Random thoughts from this week's shift

I'm at work today, I won't say where, be it city or country, but it is enough to say that I am at work. Over the course of the week several thoughts have popped in to my head, thankfully I have a very strong filter that does not allow these thoughts to come spewing out of my mouth.

1.) It's pull to the right and stop, cocksucker! I can tolerate the occasional failure to yield- perhaps the stereo is turned up and you can't hear the siren and the air horn, but when you're fucking window is down and you turn and give a "like, what? OMG I'm like, so clueless, like, I mean, OMG, you mean I can't, like, just pull over and continue to travel at the same speed that you are? for realz?" look then I shall do my best to bore holes through your head with my eyeballs from the passenger seat you mouthbreathing twatsicle.

2.) Attention graduate nurse, yes, I can do that, it is well within my scope of practice, no I don't need to call and talk to the doctor before starting an IV and administering midazolam to a patient in status epilepticus. Please, don't look at me like you're amazed that I, a lowly paramedic, know what status epilepticus is. Furthermore, stop getting pissed off that I, based solely on my assessment and interpretation of the 12 lead ECG, can have the cath-team called in at 2am before the ER doc even sees the patient. And no, I didn't transmit the 12 lead, we don't transmit them, if you want to see the results of our 12 lead study then go check the article in the lounge, it explains how incredibly awesome we are. There is a reason you are still on orientation, twit.

3.) If I could count the number of times I want to ask "seriously?!? WTF?" I would be out of a job because I wouldn't have time to do anything else.

4.) Where is the disconnect that makes you think it is okay for you to call 911 request an ambulance to transport your mother's poo sample to the hospital lab.

5.) Did you not read the bottle of PeptoBismol where it says that you may have black stools after taking a few doses? Also, why the fuck did you think that your mother would benefit from drinking the whole bottle all at once. That is 12 fluid ounces of pink nasty shit- did you make her drink it straight from the bottle all at once or did you give her a shot glass?

6.) Dear Police Officer, when I roll up to the accident scene that you requested we respond to and you utter the words "He just needs checked out" and I walk up to a dude who says "I'm not hurt, I don't need you" you make me want to rip your head off and shit down your throat.

6.2) Dear Police Officer, learn to use fucking auxillary verbs! The gramattically correct thing to say is "He just needs *to be* checked out." Please note that even if you do utilize these auxillary verbs I will still want to rip off your head and shit down your throat for calling me out for this bullshit. (I know this is just some Yankee pet peeve of mine, but seriously folks, it irritates the begeezus outta me).

7.) To the owner of the [name redacted] ice cream joint in town- I love you for giving a 50% discount to public safety folk, but I'm still blaming you for the fact that I'm going to get fat(ter).

Why I Came Home

I came across this video in Facebook the other day, posted by a coworker and I got to thinking about the first time I saw it. This is the video put together by another coworker for EMS Week last year. She let me preview it while I was home on vacation because I wouldn't be here during EMS Week. It was when I saw this video that I decided to move back to Maine. I know I'm obliterating any sense of anonymity by posting this video because you now know where I work, but then again, anyone in the EMS community can figure out The Borg that AD works for if they put their mind to it. This is the service where I cut my teeth both as a brand new EMT-Basic and again later as a paramedic. I know some of the photos aren't too great, but these are my people. This is my family.

Another first.

Now, we've all had to ask unpleasant questions and we've had to ask to see unpleasant things in order to formulate a field impression of what is going on with a patient. When my EMT-B instructor told me that I would most likely one day ask to see the poo in someone's toilet or assess the odor of a patient's breath I scoffed. I have been a paramedic for several years and it turns out she was right- I have done both of these things.

Tonight, however, was another first for me. For tonight was the night that for the first time in my EMS career I have been presented with a sealable container of a patients vomit that they had saved from several hours ago just in case we wanted to see it and evaluate it. While I was writing down the patient's med list I picked up one bottle that initially appeared to just be of a different color to learn that no, this prescription bottle contained no pills, for it was the proud home of vomit, not even warm, fresh from the stomach vomit, no this container was cold to the touch as it had been there for several hours.

It made me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit, but I managed to suppress it. There were no empty prescription bottles for me to use.