Monday, January 10, 2011

Forever in the Friend Zone

I’m really getting sick of hearing the phrase “you’re a nice guy…” Yeah, I know I’m a nice guy, thanks for reinforcing that. I do my best to be a nice guy, to be a good friend to be supportive of others. I’m the go-to guy when someone has a problem and needs someone to talk to so why is it that when I’m feeling down and want to talk then no one is around? I realize we’ve all got problems and I try not to be a whiny bitch but sometimes I need to talk things out too.

I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of being the third wheel whenever I go out with my friends. I’m glad they’re happy, I really am, but there are some days when I wonder when happiness will come my way. Don’t I deserve love too? I’m really starting to wonder if maybe my misery is how I have to pay off some karmic debt and that I don’t deserve to have someone to love and to love me.

All I want is companionship. I don’t want to find someone to marry, I just want to find someone whom I can be with and commiserate with and celebrate with; someone to come home to at the end of the day; someone that I look forward to seeing. I miss that feeling of butterflies in my stomach just before I am kissed. I miss the feeling of someone’s fingers intertwined with mine.

I’m starting to believe that my greatest fear will come to life- that I will die in a nursing home, alone, miserable and lonely. I came across something I wrote a long time ago, just after I had broken up with someone who really meant a lot to me and I find that it applies today just as it did then.

I find that when I get really lonely I hold my own hand just to feel my fingers intertwined and wish that it was someone else that held on to me. And I let my fingers dance across my skin, along my forearm, inside the crease of my elbow, behind my neck, across my shoulders, just to remind myself what it's like to be touched again. And I whisper his name in the darkness knowing that I'm all alone in my bed and that he's not there with me, and that once again I'll wake up all alone.

I'm going to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but I'm not going to hold my breath.