Saturday, July 17, 2010


I'm not going to go on with the whole "I'm a bad blogger, I haven't posted in ages" bullshit, because, well, fuck it. I do this for my own release and not for your entertainment, if you read and like what i have to say then great, but this blog is here for me.

I posted a while back about mourning and my aunt dying and all that stuff. Well, my aunt did pass away, and on the very same day that she died, another aunt died- this one on my father's side of the family. The funeral did indeed end with George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" but instead of playing the recording like my aunt wanted the geriatric choir sang it instead and butchered the fuck out of it.

I'm still working my hospital job and I have grown to hate it- more on this later.

While my aunt was at the local inpatient hospice facility my grandfather told her "I'm going to be next you know" a couple of weeks after she died he started to go downhill and was admitted to the hospital. Again. He's been worried about sorting out his will and after being admitted to the hospital my mother made arrangements for him to sign his will and have it notarized while he was in the hospital. I was working at the hospital when this all happened and the relief was visible in his expression when he signed his will just before he was transferred to the very same inpatient hospice facility where my aunt died.

I just got off the phone with my mother who has been visiting him and she told me that he has slept for the last twenty four hours and woke up only to say "Hi Doug" when my father entered the room. My mother actually told me just now that if I don't want to I don't have to go visit him at the hospice house because she would prefer that I just remember my last encounter with him at the hospital when he was relieved and feeling okay.

I'm trying to sort through my mother's description of his condition. Since he is under hospice care they've discontinued most of his medications so now the CHF is catching up with him and it sounds like there might be some ascites as well. I'm curious to know what his blood sugar has been at since he's been taken off his oral antihyperglycemics.

I really shouldn't be writing right now because I'm sure none of this makes much sense, but the long & the short of it is (Aunt x2 + dying) * (Matt hates his primary job) * grandfather dying = big giant ball of suck x1

Seriously. Fuck my life.


Signore Writes said...

I stumble around this blogging world, not really knowing if anyone reads what is posted, but I want you to know I stumbled upon your latest blog and understand the landslide of despair that fell over you. Years ago, 10 at least, I went throguh a similar situation. Within two years my family was almost wiped out by a rapid succession of deaths. My oldest sister, after remission, died of cancer at 55. Six months later my father died of a heart attack. Almost 2 months later my brother died of AIDS followed five months later by another sister who died of cancer. This left my youngest sister, my mother and me. My mother was devastated, destroyed, and so changed that we have no relationship now. Her grief became her life. My youngest sister lives far from me, in more ways than one, and I still go into the classroom and teach to wise asses and smart mouths. I don't know what I am doing because the work is dull and I feel like a hollow tree about to snap under to next good wind.

Jay G said...

I'm sorry to hear this, Matthew.

You know where to find a sympathetic ear should you need one, right?