Thursday, June 21, 2012

Musings on Christopher: Sadness, Catharsis, then Happiness.

Wednesday Evening.
We start collaborating on a photo project that you’re excited about and that fits us both well. I’m fairly certain I’ve found my muse.

Friday night
“That sounds bad ass!” was your response to the idea of a midnight walk along Old Orchard Beach.

Saturday night.
You cut me out via text message. “So to make it easier for me when I move soon, I’d rather we sever our ties now.” I dismissed it, assumed you were drunk, high, emotional or some combination of the three.

I opted to wait before contacting you again, instead I reflected on the last few months. I knew from the beginning that our life paths would cross only for a brief time, what I did not know was how hard I would fall for you. We’re both fucked up; just in different ways and I know that you’re not over the boy who broke your heart, I get it. I actually do and I still care for you and want to be around you. I know you think that you’re damaged goods, but you’re not. What you are, is afraid, not of me, per se, but of what I represent- honesty, loyalty, trust even when you kiss another boy in front of me to make me jealous. You’re afraid to let someone truly care for you and even more afraid to let them get close to you.
For the past few months, you’ve been an almost daily part of my life. Regardless of how you see it, we’ve bonded and now you’re walking away and you’re not going to afford me the chance to say goodbye. You can’t just walk into my life, have me fall for you and then walk away. I fell for you. I fell hard and you know that I desire you in ways that I haven’t desired another man in a very long time. I have a deep-rooted attraction to you, on much more than a physical level, despite the fact, or even because of the fact, that you confound me. If you’re going to leave, then I deserve a proper goodbye.

I texted you saying “What would it take to make you want to stay?” and you didn’t reply.
No one expects the 6’4” giant to fall into a blubbering mess of tears, so fuck you for making me cry, but remember, no matter where you go in life. I’m only an email away.

Wednesday night.
I texted you again saying, “Is this really how it's going to be? You're just going to cut me out completely? I understand you're leaving, but I think I deserve better than that.” You didn’t reply, then you blocked me on Facebook. I composed an email that I will never send to your best friend, then I went to sleep angry and hurt.
I realize that we’ve never met, but I know that Christopher has told you about me. I’m not asking you to get involved or to intervene in any way since he decided to cut me out of his life. I just want to know that he’s okay. I never thought that I would find myself drawn to anyone the way that I am drawn to him. I suspect that perhaps I was a bit overbearing, but it was out of nothing but concern. I know he’s leaving and I’ve come to accept that. I just want to know that he is okay. If you could, please, just let him know that I won’t try to contact him any more if that is his wish, but should he ever have a change of heart, he can reach out to me and I will always be here for him, as a friend.
Thank you,

Thursday afternoon.
I woke up this morning and realized that I don’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m still a little sad, but I’m not angry any more. Believe it or not, I want to thank you. The last few days have sucked, but I’ve experienced a catharsis; I’m okay with it all now. I understand that you have to go. It doesn’t make me happy, but I understand that it is necessary. I knew this wouldn’t be a long lasting thing and I knew that when it ended I would feel sadness, but I also knew that I would eventually come to accept its ending, and I have. You’ve taught me that it’s okay for me to get attached to someone. You’ve reminded me that even though there may be pain, the joy that comes with getting to know someone makes it worth it. You and I weren’t meant to be, I knew that from the start yet I pursued you. Right, wrong or indifferent, I’m still glad that I did. You’re an amazing person and I do hope that someday soon you can realize that. I hope that you get yourself sorted out. I hope that you find peace and happiness, because even though the last few days have been rough for me, you’ve helped me find my own peace and happiness. I tend to be pretty full of myself sometimes, some call it confidence, some call it insecurity, but the truth is I am just me, and someday I will meet someone who makes me feel the same way that you made me feel.

The sun shines, the grass grows, the flowers bloom, the wind blows, the birds sing, the leaves turn, the snow falls, the rain drops. We live, we laugh and we love, all to varying degrees and though the road may not always be smooth and filled with happiness, sunshine and roses, as long as we learn and grow in the process we’ll be okay. Thank you Christopher, you reminded me that life is still good and that it’s okay to be vulnerable and that as long as I learn, I’ll be okay. I’ll still be here for you, as a friend.

The email that some day I will send to your best friend.

I realize that we’ve never met, but I know that Christopher has told you about me. I’m not asking you to get involved or to intervene in any way since he decided to cut me out of his life. I’m simply asking that you pass on a message to him. Could you just tell him that I’m not mad, I’m not angry or sad. I understand why he needed to sever our ties. I’m thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to get to know him and when he’s ready, I’d really like the opportunity to be his friend again.


I certainly won't be sending an email to your best friend. I'm glad we talked. I'm glad things are cool between us now. I'm glad that I'll at least get to see you before you leave. I still mean every word that I wrote in the original post on here. I'm happy that I have my friend back again.