I'm at work today, I won't say where, be it city or country, but it is enough to say that I am at work. Over the course of the week several thoughts have popped in to my head, thankfully I have a very strong filter that does not allow these thoughts to come spewing out of my mouth.
1.) It's pull to the right and stop, cocksucker! I can tolerate the occasional failure to yield- perhaps the stereo is turned up and you can't hear the siren and the air horn, but when you're fucking window is down and you turn and give a "like, what? OMG I'm like, so clueless, like, I mean, OMG, you mean I can't, like, just pull over and continue to travel at the same speed that you are? for realz?" look then I shall do my best to bore holes through your head with my eyeballs from the passenger seat you mouthbreathing twatsicle.
2.) Attention graduate nurse, yes, I can do that, it is well within my scope of practice, no I don't need to call and talk to the doctor before starting an IV and administering midazolam to a patient in status epilepticus. Please, don't look at me like you're amazed that I, a lowly paramedic, know what status epilepticus is. Furthermore, stop getting pissed off that I, based solely on my assessment and interpretation of the 12 lead ECG, can have the cath-team called in at 2am before the ER doc even sees the patient. And no, I didn't transmit the 12 lead, we don't transmit them, if you want to see the results of our 12 lead study then go check the article in the lounge, it explains how incredibly awesome we are. There is a reason you are still on orientation, twit.
3.) If I could count the number of times I want to ask "seriously?!? WTF?" I would be out of a job because I wouldn't have time to do anything else.
4.) Where is the disconnect that makes you think it is okay for you to call 911 request an ambulance to transport your mother's poo sample to the hospital lab.
5.) Did you not read the bottle of PeptoBismol where it says that you may have black stools after taking a few doses? Also, why the fuck did you think that your mother would benefit from drinking the whole bottle all at once. That is 12 fluid ounces of pink nasty shit- did you make her drink it straight from the bottle all at once or did you give her a shot glass?
6.) Dear Police Officer, when I roll up to the accident scene that you requested we respond to and you utter the words "He just needs checked out" and I walk up to a dude who says "I'm not hurt, I don't need you" you make me want to rip your head off and shit down your throat.
6.2) Dear Police Officer, learn to use fucking auxillary verbs! The gramattically correct thing to say is "He just needs *to be* checked out." Please note that even if you do utilize these auxillary verbs I will still want to rip off your head and shit down your throat for calling me out for this bullshit. (I know this is just some Yankee pet peeve of mine, but seriously folks, it irritates the begeezus outta me).
7.) To the owner of the [name redacted] ice cream joint in town- I love you for giving a 50% discount to public safety folk, but I'm still blaming you for the fact that I'm going to get fat(ter).