New Life Changes

A Charlie Brown Christmas

2011-12-24T10:10:00.000-05:00

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.' That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

-Linus Van Pelt

Someone Like You.

2011-10-01T22:04:00.000-04:00

Watch.

Read.

In fiction and folklore, a doppelgänger is a paranormal double of a living person, typically representing evil or misfortune. In the vernacular, the word has come to refer to any double or look-alike of a person. The word also is used to describe the sensation of having glimpsed oneself in peripheral vision, in a position where there is no chance that it could have been a reflection. Doppelgängers often are perceived as a sinister form of bilocation and are regarded by some to be harbingers of bad luck.

In some traditions, a doppelgänger seen by a person's friends or relatives portends illness or danger, while seeing one's own doppelgänger is an omen of death.
-Wikipedia

For years I have been in love with someone who I cannot have and I've finally come to the conclusion that subconsciously I have been trying to fill his place with his doppelgänger. However the great problem is, that if I find his doppelgänger, then they will eventually meet. If one were to give any weight to the folklore, then my finding his doppelgänger would be an omen of illness or danger, for them to meet would be an omen of his death and I would forever lose him. If I were a superstitious person then I could say that this is the reason why I shall forever be alone- I love him and for him I wish only happiness and peace and I cannot bring illness or death upon him.

Watch

And this is the reason why I shall forever be alone.

I've made it!

2011-09-30T15:10:00.002-04:00

I've made the Gun Blog Blacklist!

Cue audible squee in 3....2....

Damn!

2011-09-16T01:39:00.000-04:00

Kilted to Kick Cancer is well under way and we're making progress. Ambulance Driver posted fundraising results earlier and apparently you've been donating to the cause!

After reading the results I realized that I hadn't set myself up to collect donations for LiveStrong, however that has been fixed. (See below)

As of right now I am still kilt-less, however I'm looking to remedy that situation soon. Other bloggers have thrown down some interesting challenges. if JayG comes out on top he's going to wear a skirt. if Ambulance Driver finishes first he's going to post pics of himself in full drag. Stingray is offering to live blog is own prostate exam.

I'm going to have to ramp things up here kids. What self-depreciating or moderately humiliating act can I commit to if I come out on top. I'm looking for ideas here folks.

Suggestions are welcome and in the mean time you kids need to make with the clicky and donate!

Prostate Cancer Foundation - www.pcf.org/kilted4

LiveStrong - http://grassroots2011.livestrong.org/medicmatthew

When my kilt comes in, there will be pics. In the mean time visit the Kilted to Kick Cancer website for more information.

QOTD - Borepatch

2011-09-12T12:40:00.000-04:00

Supplied to us via BorePatch commenting on this ass hattery.

Can everyone who ever said that a village in Texas was missing its idiot shut up and sit down in the back of the room? Grown ups are talking. -Bore Patch

Seriously, Barry O? Are you fucking kidding me?

Reflections.

2011-09-11T17:10:00.001-04:00

Ten years ago my public safety career was in it's infancy. The events that transpired on this day hardened my resolve to dedicate my life to what I now do. Every day that I go to work I do so knowing that there is a chance that something horrific that could happen, yet I go and I do it anyway. While we cannot focus on the dangers of our job, we must never forget what could happen to us and what has happened to others.

Always remember the sacrifice that our brothers & sisters in EMS, law enforcement and the fire service made that day. Never forget that they were the ones who blindly went running into battle that day, despite the fear that they must have felt. They did so not because it was their job, but because they knew it had to be done.

If you ask me who I admire, I will tell you that it is my colleagues in public safety. I consider myself blessed that every day I go in to work, for I walk amongst giants.

Did you know....

2011-08-29T15:26:00.000-04:00

The Facts

Prostate cancer is the most common non-skin cancer in America, affecting 1 in 6 men.

The older you are, the more likely you are to be diagnosed with prostate cancer.

A man with a father or brother who developed prostate cancer is twice as likely to develop the disease.

For men in the U.S., the risk of developing prostate cancer is 17%.

Prostate and testicular cancers kill just as many men as breast cancer kills women, yet breast cancer receives 50 times more money for research than prostate cancer.

The Challenge

September is Prostate Cancer Awareness month. For the entire month of September my goal is to wear a kilt every day that I'm not in uniform or required to dress in a certain manner. There are a bunch of bloggers who are participating in this challenge. Our goal is raise funds for prostate and testicular cancer research.

The Fundraising

Make with the clicky and go here - www.pcf.org/kilted4

That is my unique link for donations for the Prostate Cancer Foundation

When my kilt comes in, there will be pics. In the mean time visit the Kilted to Kick Cancer website for more information.

Advice to a friend

2011-08-12T00:13:00.000-04:00

"Awesome class tonight, Im pumped for the coming months! :D"

Ahh, the start of medic school. Remember this Facebook status when you're getting ready to test out. Remember how excited you were to start. Then, about four years in, curse the day you ever thought about becoming a paramedic, then two years after that, remember that you do something that makes you happy and lets you have an impact on others.

Good luck. Study hard. Ask questions. Figure out why, not 'just because', and always remember that despite the IV's, the tubes, the cric's, the decompressions, the cardioversions and the drugs, the best treatment we can offer is to listen, to hold a hand and to bear witness to life and to death.

This job will make you cry, both from sadness and happiness and also because your brain just doesn't know what else to do. Remember that this is okay, for you are human and the best thing that we can do for our patients is to be human and remember that despite the reason for your contact with them, they are human too.

You will do well. I have faith in you.

Musings on my musings

2011-07-15T01:40:00.000-04:00

Believe it or not I have a handful of posts floating around in my head, but right now they would be more suitable for an angst ridden Livejournal account than for this blog. I'm trying my best not to be emo. Hopefully there will be decent content to follow soon.

July 4th, 2011

2011-07-04T17:50:00.000-04:00

This year, as we mark the birth of our nation I find myself standing a little taller as we celebrate the Independence Day holiday. A few months ago my mother gave me a copy of Ancestry.com's genealogy software and that has sparked a renewed interest in my family history. When I was young I was given a copy of my family history traced back to the 1560 in London, England. I've always been a bit of a history buff and I've always been fascinated by Colonial & Revolutionary American history. This past weekend Ancestry.com granted members access to the archives of the Son's of the American Revolution Membership Application Archive, and so just for kicks I plugged in a name and found that my great, great, great, great, great grand-father served in the Revolution.

Found in the Massachusetts Soldiers & Sailors of the American Revolution Archive is the following:

Jesse Smith appears with the rank of private on Lexington Alarm Roll of Captain Peter Talbot’s Company, Col. Lemuel Robinsons Regiment which marched on the alarm of the 19th April 1775 from Stoughton, belonged in Stoughton. Length of service 7 days.

Jesse Smith, private on the Muster and Pay Roll of Captain Simon Leaches Company, Col Benjamin Gills Regiment Enlisted March 4th 1776 served five days, Belonged in Stoughton
Marched to fortify Dorchester Heights

I have learned that I am not only the descendent of a Massachusetts Bay Colonoy militiaman, but I am the direct descendent of a Minute Man who fought at the Battle of Lexington & Concord!

That being what it is, let us never forget the document that sparked the birth of our great nation.

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his
measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and
altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

— John Hancock

New Hampshire:Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts:John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut:Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York:William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey:Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania:Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware:Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland:Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina:William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina:Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia:Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

Go. Read.

2011-05-03T09:25:00.001-04:00

In lieu of actual content. Go read Epi's latest post.

Turns out I've got something in my eye anyway.

On Government Shut Downs

2011-04-07T17:20:00.000-04:00

Ok kids, lets get down to business.

So, it looks like the fed.gov just might shut down for a little while. While some opine that it is no big deal, it really is. Yes, personnel who are considered essential, that being military, law enforcement, air traffic control, etc. will get back pay, however, nonessential personnel will be out of work, quite possibly without retroactive pay and all nonessential services stop.

Lets take a look at the government shutdown of fiscal year 1996:

New patients were not accepted into clinical research at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) clinical center; the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ceased disease surveillance; hotline calls to NIH concerning diseases were not answered and toxic waste clean-up work at 609 sites reportedly stopped and resulted in 2,400 Superfund workers being sent home.

Delays occurred in the processing of alcohol, tobacco, firearms, and explosives applications by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms; work on more than 3,500 bankruptcy cases reportedly
was suspended; cancellation of the recruitment and testing of federal law enforcement officials reportedly occurred, including the hiring of 400 border patrol agents; and delinquent child-support cases were delayed

Closure of 368 National Park Service sites (loss of 7 million visitors) reportedly occurred, with loss of tourism revenues to local communities; and closure of national museums and monuments (reportedly with an estimated loss of 2 million visitors) occurred

Approximately 20,000-30,000 applications by foreigners for visas reportedly went unprocessed each day; 200,000 U.S. applications for passports reportedly went unprocessed; and U.S. tourist industries and airlines reportedly sustained millions of dollars in losses

Of $18 billion in Washington, DC, area contracts, $3.7 billion (over 20%) reportedly were affected adversely by the funding lapse; the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) was unable to issue a new standard for lights and lamps that was scheduled to be effective January 1, 1996, possibly resulting in delayed product delivery and lost sales; and employees of federal contractors reportedly were furloughed without pay.

All that having been said, federal income tax returns will not be processed, but you can bet your ass that federal income tax returns will still have to be filed on April 18th or taxpayers will face penalties despite the fact that there's no one in the office to file the paperwork.

So yeah, it actually is a big deal. It may sound simple, however a government shutdown has a profound impact upon the economy, which is already in the shitter, thanks to the government.

Meh.

2011-02-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

Holy balls, I haven't posted in well over a month yet I'm still getting my usual number of daily hits. What ails you people, anyway?

I'd love to write something epic here, but that just isn't going to happen so instead I'll leave you with an update.

1.) I've moved.
A bit over two years ago I moved back to Maine from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and moved in with my parents. I did this out of a sense of guilt over the declining health of my grandfather and the fact that while home on vacation my mother had a haircut that made it appear as though she had aged 15 years in the five months since I had last seen her. I've come to realize that moving back home because of a haircut was foolish. I've moved closer to work and civilization. I now have a 9 mile commute to work instead of a 30 mile commute.

2.) I've bought a new (to me) car.
The Xterra is no more. I got sick of the payment and since I'm no longer commuting through a very rural area I'm okay with not having four wheel drive any more. I picked up a 2003 VW Jetta TDI (diesel baby!) and I've cut my car payment, and my auto insurance and I've more than doubled my fuel economy. It's pretty sweet to get 46.77 miles per gallon of fuel.

3.) I love being a paramedic.
My desk job at the hospital has reminded me of how much I love being a paramedic. I will admit that I was pretty burned out for a while and this job has reminded me that I belong on an ambulance. I'm even getting back to being a hand-holder.

That's it for now. More content to follow. Maybe.

Forever in the Friend Zone

2011-01-10T00:24:00.000-05:00

I’m really getting sick of hearing the phrase “you’re a nice guy…” Yeah, I know I’m a nice guy, thanks for reinforcing that. I do my best to be a nice guy, to be a good friend to be supportive of others. I’m the go-to guy when someone has a problem and needs someone to talk to so why is it that when I’m feeling down and want to talk then no one is around? I realize we’ve all got problems and I try not to be a whiny bitch but sometimes I need to talk things out too.

I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of being the third wheel whenever I go out with my friends. I’m glad they’re happy, I really am, but there are some days when I wonder when happiness will come my way. Don’t I deserve love too? I’m really starting to wonder if maybe my misery is how I have to pay off some karmic debt and that I don’t deserve to have someone to love and to love me.

All I want is companionship. I don’t want to find someone to marry, I just want to find someone whom I can be with and commiserate with and celebrate with; someone to come home to at the end of the day; someone that I look forward to seeing. I miss that feeling of butterflies in my stomach just before I am kissed. I miss the feeling of someone’s fingers intertwined with mine.

I’m starting to believe that my greatest fear will come to life- that I will die in a nursing home, alone, miserable and lonely. I came across something I wrote a long time ago, just after I had broken up with someone who really meant a lot to me and I find that it applies today just as it did then.

I find that when I get really lonely I hold my own hand just to feel my fingers intertwined and wish that it was someone else that held on to me. And I let my fingers dance across my skin, along my forearm, inside the crease of my elbow, behind my neck, across my shoulders, just to remind myself what it's like to be touched again. And I whisper his name in the darkness knowing that I'm all alone in my bed and that he's not there with me, and that once again I'll wake up all alone.

I'm going to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Memo.

2010-12-12T23:48:00.002-05:00

To: Everyone
From: Matthew
Re: Slactivism

If you're going to use your Facebook/Twitter/Myspace* status to ask me and other users to repost something to "raise awareness" of something or to "show support" of something else or to "see how many people have he balls to repost this" to support whatever bullshit you're sputtering you can take your cause and shove it up your ass. Also, if you do participate in such activity I reserve the right to mock the ever loving fuck out of you.

Cancer awareness? Yep, I'm aware of it and I'm pretty damned aware of how much it sucks ass.
Child abuse? We won't talk about some of the runs I've been on or the charts that I've read because it would make your skin crawl.
Domestic Abuse? Again, we won't talk about some of the runs I've been on.
The Pledge of Allegiance? Yep, I recited it daily too and everyone in this country as a right to not recite it if they so choose. Move on.
Religious tomfoolery? Ha! HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Let's not talk about the secrets that all of you harbor while you're condemning me for being a godless heathen because I'm gay, hypocrite.
Mental Health issues? We all know I'm a wee bit off kilter and am a much nicer person when I take my calm the fuck down pill every day.

I refuse to participate in any sort of slacktivism for the simple reason that it accomplishes nothing other than making you, the poster, feel all fucking warm and fuzzy because you've "done something" for a cause when in reality, you haven't done shit.

If you agree with me, don't repost this, just stop being a complete fucktard instead.

Smoochies!, ~Matthew

*Seriously, does anyone use Myspace any more?

Dear John,

2010-11-15T00:07:00.000-05:00

Our paths crossed at a bad time for both of us. I've thought of you often since then and I wish that things could have been different. I decided to look you up online tonight and saw a couple of photos- it looks like you're doing okay. You were going through a rough and troubled time back then and I worried that you might take a different, more terminal route. I'm glad to see that you made it through. You've grown since then yet you still look the same. You've still got that same smile and I would probably still recognize you on the street. You've changed since then and it looks like your life got brighter.

I want you to know that I'm sorry, but I don't regret it. What can I say? You were my first and I am still thankful for that. I'd love to say hello and just tell you that I'm glad you're doing well, but I don't want to intrude on the life that you have now and so I'll just write this note that you'll never read.

Be well,
~Matthew

It. Gets. Better.

2010-11-03T16:35:00.000-04:00

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.”
~Sophocles

In the wake of several recent suicides among LGBT youth and youth who were simply perceived to be LGBT I have a strong need to tell my story. For the most part I lived an uneventful childhood. My parents loved me, I grew up in an average working class household where I was safe and I was loved. I suppose on some level I always knew that I was different, but I never quite knew how. I knew that I was attracted to the other boys in school, but I never once considered that I might be gay. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I even began to consider it and I was finally able to admit that I am gay. Coming to this admission was a relief, but it was also a terrible burden- how do I tell others? How will they react? I found myself enveloped in fear and torment. I knew in my heart that it was okay for me to be gay; I just didn’t know if others would know that it was okay. I started by telling a few friends, but I feared my family knowing.

I entered a very, very deep depression. I felt alone and very afraid. What if people found out? How would they react? I really cannot begin to explain the level of fear and despair that I was experiencing. I tried over the counter, herbal anti depressants, but they didn’t work, I wanted so badly to be normal, but I knew I never could make myself un-gay and so I started to think of suicide. I knew that I had to come up with a fool proof plan, otherwise I would back out at the last second and just end up with more issues to deal with. If I took pills I would likely just end up vomiting them back up. I knew that if I slit my wrists I would just stop when I felt the pain. Most importantly I didn’t want to make a mess for anyone to clean up. I thought about it for some time and I came up with a plan that I knew would work, that would ensure that no one came home to a horrific scene. For the sake of those who love me I won’t explain the method I came up with. I will just say that it was 100% foolproof and had I gone through with it I would have been successful in ending my life. I wanted to end my life because I thought that it would be easier for me to be dead than to have to admit to the world who I am.

My very good friend Kalem knew that I was in pain and he was keeping an eye on me and offering me support. I don’t know if he knows this or not, but one simple action of his saved my life. He and I stopped to get some ice cream one summer night and as usual he knew something was wrong. We talked for a while and before parting ways that night he handed me Melissa Etheridge’s Yes I Am album and just said to me “listen to track four.” And so I did. I listened to Silent Legacy over and over and over again. I listened, I sang, I cried. And as I drove around for hours I tried to absorb it all. In listening to that song and in paying close attention to the lyrics I came to realize that it’s okay. I was not alone- others had been in the same position before and others would be in the same position after me. As I listened to the rest of the songs on that album another one spoke to me. If Silent Legacy let me know that I wasn’t alone then Talking to My Angel let me to know that I would be okay as long as I had people who loved me. The music helped me to realize that I can live my life and if people find out, then so be it. I can move on and if me being gay is a problem for them, then it is just that- a problem for them, not for me. I am who I am and though my sexuality impacts who I am, it does not define who I am. I am the same person I always was, the only thing that had changed was that I came to learn who I was and in doing so I found a freedom that no one can ever take away from me.

Years ago I was out with my friend Chris and one day and after having lunch we stopped into this little shop in Portland that specialized in silver jewelry. Never before had I worn any jewelry but Chris always seemed to have multiple rings on. He decided that afternoon that I should buy something for myself so while we were there and I picked out a very simple silver ring that consists of three silver strands woven together. I purchased it and they sized it to my finger and I started to wear it to remind myself of who I am- just a little bit different, just a little bit flashy, but still just simple, plain old’ me.

In the ten years that have passed since then I truly have come to learn that it gets better. I moved on from where I was, I became a paramedic, I came out to everyone and my world didn’t fall apart. In fact, my world became much more solid. I found my family, not just those who are related to me, but my true family; those with whom I do not share blood but nonetheless will stand by my side no matter what. And I can safely say, with 100% certainty, that because I persevered and because I lived I’ve impacted people’s lives in a positive manner and that alone gives me reason to go on.

I have worn that ring every day of my life since I bought it and I will continue to wear it so that when I see it and feel it on my finger I will remember who I am and know that it’s just fine to be me, and that for me, not only did it get better, it got glorious. I realized that I can’t hide my sexuality, I don’t necessarily need to flaunt it, but it is a part of me, just as much as my brown eyes and the gray hairs that are sprouting on my head. It got better for me, a whole lot better just like it will for you, so long as you can hold on. It won’t be easy and you will cry along the way, but it will get better. I can promise you that.

Thoughts?

2010-10-03T05:18:00.000-04:00

There is a website that I use, that shall remain nameless on this blog. This site requires a user profile and tonight I decided to update it.

You're likely to think that I'm kind of an asshole.
I don't try to be a dick, but as a general rule, people just piss me off. I'm kind of bitter and jaded when it comes to humanity. Maybe if my work didn't require that I treat peoples medical issues because they're too stupid to manage them on their own or perhaps if my other job didn't require that I spend my days cataloging stupidity I might be a friendlier person, but until that day comes, I'm probably still going to be a dick.

Too harsh?

Dear Mouthbreathing Ass-clown

2010-09-04T02:05:00.001-04:00

You work at Radio Shack, you should know a thing or two about electronics and computers. You should be helpful and courteous. Your job is to make a sale, your job is not to be a condescending dickhead who doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. So when I stop in and casually ask if by some chance you carry any USB to HDMI products your response should have been along the lines of "I'm not familiar with any such product." What you should not have said was "Psh, no such thing exists. USB is only for input, you can't output anything through a USB connection. That's just for mice and keyboards and such."

You see, douchenozzle, USB does many wondrous things. Why as a matter of fact there are many forms of media that can be output via USB. That MP3 player there behind the counter, the computer OUTPUTS data to it via USB. Those external hard drives over there, the computer OUTPUTS data to it via USB. See that headset there? The one with the mic, hanging right there on the wall. The computer sends electricity THROUGH the USB port and cable to the headphones and, golly be, you can hear audio coming OUT of it! So yes, there are devices out there that allow the computer to OUTPUT video via a USB cable to a little box that converts the video and audio via HDMI connection.

In summation, before you act like an arrogant prick and tell me that there is no such device and that USB is not for output, why don't you go look through a fucking catalog, or work some Google-fu and learn a thing or two. Oh, and your boss, the lady who runs the store, yeah, the one who addressed me by name as she was leaving the store for the night, I'll be having a chat with her about your asshole demeanor.

Get fisted, cock-smooch!
~Matthew :-)

Hospice

2010-08-14T00:05:00.000-04:00

So, the other day I did my first transfer to the local inpatient hospice facility since my aunt and grandfather died. On the way over I chatted with the patient's family and explained the services there. I told of how it is very patient focused and how there are services available to both the patient and their loved ones. When we got there we settled the patient into the room and as we were leaving I ran into one of the volunteers whose daughter is an old high school friend and who attended my aunt and grandfather's wake and funerals, we chatted briefly and went on our ways.
Going there was hard and I won't deny that I did get a bit misty-eyed, but I'm happy to deliver patients there because even though their time is limited I know that they are going to a good place where they will hopefully be comfortable and where I know they will be supported and tended to in a very caring and compassionate manner.

--------------------

In my aunt's final hours one of the nurses sat with her and my uncle because my aunt required frequent suctioning of the airway and eventually the nurse said to my uncle "Mark, it's getting very close to the end, I can keep doing this, but it will just prolong the inevitable." He asked how much longer it would be if she stopped and she explained it and they decided it was time, that it wasn't right to just keep her lingering any more. And so that nurse whose shift had already ended stayed with him and stayed until well after my aunt died. And she wept with him, she didn't know my Aunt Jackie beforehand, she didn't know who she was, she didn't know the live that she had lived, but she stayed and she wept.

Holy hell!

2010-08-03T00:43:00.000-04:00

A quick check of Sitemeter just now reveals that I have regular blog visitors from Portugal, Guatemala, France, Chile, Germany, Thailand, India, Egypt, Spain, all over the UK, Saudi Arabia, Indoesia, Argentenia, and Canada.

How are you people getting to my blog? I am very curious, please feel free to leave a comment and tell me how you managed to stumble upon my rantings here.

Mourning. Again.

2010-08-03T00:33:00.000-04:00

There really isn't much organization of cohesiveness to this post. It is really just a collection of snippets of the last couple of weeks.

The morning following my last post my grandfather died. The nurse went in first thing in the morning to reposition him in bed and that was more than his heart could take. My parents immediately went to the hospice facility that he was at and I soon joined them. I sat in his room while his body still lay there in bed. I cried, I said my goodbye. The days and weeks that have followed since then have been a whirlwind- funerals, family drama, general bitching & complaining.

The funeral was rough, my grandfather served in WWII in the Merchant Marines. This is something that he was very proud of. He was on the Murmansk Run, for every 20 ships that sailed they were lucky if five of them made it there, they sailed to deliver supplies, equipment and troops on an unarmed ship through U-boat infested waters yet it wasn't until the 80's that the United States government recognized him as a veteran. It wasn't until just a few years ago that he was qualified to join the local VFW Post. My grandfather ran away to New York City at the age of 17 and forged his mother's signature so that he could enlist, because of this, he didn't graduate from high school. In the early 50's he earned his GED. A few years back, shortly after my grandmother died a law was passed that allowed such veterans to be granted their high school diploma. Though he had earned his GED many, many years before and he had a successful career in management in the local paper industry he was still so very proud to have his high school diploma.

Because of his service and (eventual) status as a veteran he was buried with full military honors. His best friend since kindergarten, the one who he ran away to New York City with spoke at the wake and told the edited story of how they enlisted. And he spoke beautifully of his friend who had known for close to 80 years.

There was one humorous moment following the funeral. We, the pall bearers, arrived at the cemetery ahead of everyone, the local VFW color guard was there along with three young men who made up the honor guard, these were soldiers recently discharged from the military who serve at funerals for local veterans, one a specialist, the other two sergeants. As we arrived, my brother-in-law, Rick, whom I have written about previously exited the car in his uniform. Those three young soldiers quite visibly stood up much straighter as my Rick, the very decorated, very soon to be Sergeant Major walked over and asked "Are you men folding the flag?" One of the sergeants responded with a very curt "Yes master sergeant" as Rick walked back to where we were I could see one of them rather discreetly turn to the other and say "Who the hell was that?!"

During the ceremony at the cemetery between my cousin playing Taps for our grandfather and the 21-gun salute and the folding of the flag and its presentation to my mother we were all overcome with emotion. I miss him dearly.

My four year old nephew, Thomas, would always say to my mother when he visited "Let's go see Papa, just for a minute" whenever he visited my parents, and so they would walk across the street and through the neighbors back yard to my grandfathers house for a quick visit. We have been wondering how to tell him that he can't go see Papa any more and the other day he finally asked. My mother got a bit teary eyed and told him that Papa had left to go live with Nana in heaven and that we wouldn't be able to see him anymore. Later in the day when getting ready to have lunch Thomas said to my mother "Memere, I want soup for lunch, the kind that me and my Papa used to eat."

When people ask where I live I often tell them that I live in a house that my parents own. While this statement is true it allows me to skirt the fact that I live with my parents in their house. Leaving a good job in Pennsylvania to return to Maine without the guarantee of a full time job, only a pair of part time jobs, at the outbreak of a global economic recession was not one of my smartest moves. The economy sucks, there are no full time paramedic jobs here and so I live in my parents home, which brings me to my next topic.

The night my grandmother died eight years ago, when the doctor came out to the waiting room to tell my family what I already knew, my grandfather sobbed and the first thing he said was "What am I going to do without her?" To the best of my knowledge at that point in time my grandfather hadn't prepared a meal for himself since 1946, and so started the dinner time routine. My grandfather would have dinner at my house or my aunt's house each night of the week, so with the exception of nights that I was working and the year I spent living in Pennsylvania, I had dinner with my grandfather at least three nights a week, even more so over the course of the last year and a half since my aunt became ill. We haven't quite settled into a new dinner time routine yet and some nights it just feels awkward.

I'm sorry that this post is so unorganized. I just needed to write a few things down and this seemed like the way to do it. I do appreciate all the kind comments and emails and IM's that have been sent my way. Thank you all so very much.

Update.

2010-07-17T18:07:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to go on with the whole "I'm a bad blogger, I haven't posted in ages" bullshit, because, well, fuck it. I do this for my own release and not for your entertainment, if you read and like what i have to say then great, but this blog is here for me.

I posted a while back about mourning and my aunt dying and all that stuff. Well, my aunt did pass away, and on the very same day that she died, another aunt died- this one on my father's side of the family. The funeral did indeed end with George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" but instead of playing the recording like my aunt wanted the geriatric choir sang it instead and butchered the fuck out of it.

I'm still working my hospital job and I have grown to hate it- more on this later.

While my aunt was at the local inpatient hospice facility my grandfather told her "I'm going to be next you know" a couple of weeks after she died he started to go downhill and was admitted to the hospital. Again. He's been worried about sorting out his will and after being admitted to the hospital my mother made arrangements for him to sign his will and have it notarized while he was in the hospital. I was working at the hospital when this all happened and the relief was visible in his expression when he signed his will just before he was transferred to the very same inpatient hospice facility where my aunt died.

I just got off the phone with my mother who has been visiting him and she told me that he has slept for the last twenty four hours and woke up only to say "Hi Doug" when my father entered the room. My mother actually told me just now that if I don't want to I don't have to go visit him at the hospice house because she would prefer that I just remember my last encounter with him at the hospital when he was relieved and feeling okay.

I'm trying to sort through my mother's description of his condition. Since he is under hospice care they've discontinued most of his medications so now the CHF is catching up with him and it sounds like there might be some ascites as well. I'm curious to know what his blood sugar has been at since he's been taken off his oral antihyperglycemics.

I really shouldn't be writing right now because I'm sure none of this makes much sense, but the long & the short of it is (Aunt x2 + dying) * (Matt hates his primary job) * grandfather dying = big giant ball of suck x1

Seriously. Fuck my life.

I have a confession to make

2010-07-04T00:46:00.000-04:00

I am a bad EMS blogger. I’ve listened to the comments and the praise for Chronicles of EMS, but until tonight I hadn’t watched the first episode. There really isn’t a lot that I can say about it that hasn’t already been said. It’s pretty damn cool and my gut reaction is ‘Wow, I want people to see this. I wish I could be a part of this. Gee, I wonder if they need a still photographer.'

I’ve you’ve been living under a rock like I have and you haven’t seen it yet, then go visit the site and watch Episode 1.

Follow on Facebook

Follow the hashtag #CoEMS on Twitter and follow the series producer Thadeus Setla (@Setla) while you're at it.

You should also check out the two blogs that started it all Justin Schorr's blog Happy Medic and Mark Glencorse's blog 999Medic which unfortunately has been shut down, however you can still go back & read his archive.

Free shooty goodness? I'm in!

2010-06-24T09:58:00.000-04:00

We all know I'm a whore for free stuff so I figured I'd give this a shot. It is pretty self explanatory.
There's some wicked cool stuff over at The Survivalists Blog. Go check it out.

M.D. Creekmore at The Survivalist Blog – a survival blog dedicated to helping others prepare for and survive disaster – with articles on bug out bag contents, survival knife choices and a wealth of other survival information is giving away a 1,000 round case of 9mm – 124 Grain FMJ (a $200 value – donated by LuckyGunner)! To enter, you just have to post about it on your blog. This is my entry. Visit The Survivalist Blog for the details.

Mourning.

2010-06-18T23:16:00.000-04:00

I know death. I have seen it. I have been witness to more passings than I care to count. I have done my part to thwart it yet still I know that it is inevitable. We start dying from the day we’re born. For some it comes quickly and without pain and for others it is a long drawn out process.

My aunt is dying. The colon cancer that was once thought to be in remission has metastasized to her liver, lungs, bones, spine and God only knows where else. The oncologist told her that it is spreading faster than the chemotherapy can treat it. It has shown up in so many places that they would have to irradiate her entire body if they wanted to hit every tumor. And so she has decided to stop treatment.

I know it wasn’t an easy decision to come to, her husband begged her to keep trying, but she has known for some time that it would come to this. In two weeks time since stopping the treatment she has begun to die. It isn’t so much that I harbor any special relationship with my aunt. I love her, but we have never been particularly close. I have handled death many times before, and I am sad- I can’t bear to look at photos of her and her grandchildren without crying, but I know that I will process this. I mourn for my mother’s sake. It isn’t as though she shares some mystical bond with her sister, but they commiserate together, they love one another. Hell, my aunt worries how my mother will manage being the only one in town to care for my grandfather. My mother is losing her sister and though she has known for months that this time would come her heart is still breaking and so I cry for her. I cry for my grandfather who will bury his daughter soon. I cry for my cousins who will bury their mother. I cry for my uncle who will bury his bride. I cry for her grandchildren who are too young to truly know their grandmother and who will never get to know her as adults.

In the course of one afternoon it was announced that my aunt would go under hospice care, have a morphine PCA and a visit from the parish priest. My mother thought that the morphine was a bad sign, but everyone ends up on a PCA of some sort. The bad sign was really the fact that the priest would come for the last rites, or the anointing of the sick as it is now called. My aunt spoke at length with the priest and the priest asked a favor of her. He asked her that when she crosses over and when she meets Jesus if she would ask Him to pray for him. Now I don’t know if this is just a genuine, heartfelt request or also perhaps a way of giving her permission. I know that my aunt has made peace with her fate, but I can’t help but think that this was the priest’s way of letting her know that it’s okay to go when the time comes.

My mother visited my aunt the other day, before she was transported to the Hospice House, my mother lay in bed with my aunt and talked and cried and talked some more and my aunt told her that she asked the priest if it would be okay for a Beatles song to be playing at the end of the funeral as the casket is taken out of the church, because she didn’t want her friends to be sad. And so sometime soon after she passes, her funeral will close with this and I will try to smile and remember all of the wonderful things about her.

I love you Aunt Jackie. May you find rest.

Douchebaggery

2010-06-14T23:59:00.000-04:00

H/t to AD for this one.

I would hate to think of what would have happened to either of the two young men in this video had they responded to the assault from the Congressman from North Carolina in the same manner that I would respond to someone grabbing my wrist and refusing to let go.

What a fucking douchenozzle.

You and Me Could Write a Bad Romance

2010-06-07T20:54:00.000-04:00

Je veux ton amour et je veux ton revenge
Je veux ton amour
I don't want to be friends**
~Lady Gaga

Whenever we have a crisis of some sort, one particular friend and I have been known to encourage one another with the simple phrase “Go big or go home.” This advice could be directed toward anything from the mundane to the massive. With a little bit of prodding from her last night, I decided to take her advice and unleash my true feelings on someone whom I care about deeply. I’m normally the type of person who keeps his feelings bottled up and I tend to maintain a hard protective shell so as to not let anyone see the insecure git that I am on the inside. There are a select few people who I allow to get close to me which is one of the reasons that I have been single for as long as I have. Last night I decided to just let it all out, and tell this man how I feel about him, and the response was just as I suspected it would be. “we’re not right for each other” “it would ruin our friendship” “neither of us is in a position to be in a relationship” Of course, my rational self can see this, however my rational self is often overshadowed by my inner romantic as it was last night and to some degree still is today.

While I realize that the attraction is not mutual and that the feelings are not reciprocated, I’ve come to realize that I’m okay with that. Sure I still may have the fantasy inside my head that things could work out with this man, but I know that right now he isn’t interested in pursuing a romantic adventure with me despite what a fantastic adventure it would be. And I’m okay with that. In a different time, in a different frame of mind this sort of discussion would have sent me spiraling into an angst riddled funk. But it didn’t. I still have feelings for him, strong feelings in fact, but the confirmation that my suspicions were correct that he doesn’t reciprocate the feelings hasn’t changed how I feel about him and it hasn’t changed our friendship. And I’m okay with that.

**Yeah, I quoted Lady Gaga. Deal with it.

My Gay Family.

2010-06-06T19:39:00.001-04:00

“Gay friendships often create an alternative to family, a link more compelling than blood.”
                                        -David Bergman

I have said in the past that I have two families. I have the family that I was born to, with whom I share blood. And I have my second family, my gay family. My gay family is made up mostly of homosexual men but into the mix are thrown a few straight allies. At the core of this family are my closest friends- they share my secrets, they share my experiences, they share with me who they truly are. I love all of my friends, but there are things about me and experiences that I have had that my straight friends cannot relate to.

My straight friends do not know what it is like to live in the closet. To question who you are and why you are the way you are and why everyone else makes it out to be so wrong- even if that wrongness is self-imposed out of fear of being different or disappointing others. My gay friends know this. They know what it is like to hide a part of yourself. I am not defined by my sexuality, but it is integral to who I am and the way that I experience life. To deny it, to live a life in the closet is difficult, it is painful, it is full of fear

“It is the closet that is our sin and our shame.”
                                -Barbara Grier

I always knew there was something different about me. But it wasn’t until I was twenty when I could first utter the words “I’m gay”, in saying so I was liberated. I knew that what was to come would be difficult but I knew that it had to be done. I started by telling my close friends, at that point all of whom were hetero. I had no gay friends until a new employee came along at work and in him I found the first person in whom I ever felt I could truly confide. Over time he helped me to understand that I am not wrong, that I am not broken. It would be a few years before I would be able to tell my parents and upon telling them I learned that I had nothing to fear. My parents still loved me. My friends did not run away. My world did not fall apart.

Not everyone has this same experience. Some respond with love and acceptance. Some respond with indifference. Some respond with neglect and still some respond with violence. My friends have all been met with varied responses, but regardless of how our coming out experiences differ we all still share in that guilt and crippling fear. I could preach to closeted homosexuals until I am blue in the face that coming out is a relief, which it is, but until society comes to accept us for who we are and not for whom we love, then we will all still face some degree of fear and guilt while in the closet.

“There is no torment in coming out. The torment is being in.”
                                -Armistead Maupin

A Call to Action!

2010-05-27T22:26:00.001-04:00

A while back my buddy Ambulance Driver wrote a fantastic rant about the twatsiclery at a shop he took his motorcycle to for some work - Cycles & More of Southern Louisiana. The long & the short of it is, these asshats wouldn't know customer service if it came up and bit them on the ass. For quite some time this rant of rants was the number one Google hit for a search of Cycles & More. Well it seems as though this ranking has slipped and so we must do what we can to return AD's rant to its proper place. So if you have a blog of your own, go ahead and do him a favor and link Cycles & More to AD's article found here.

WTF. Over.

2010-05-27T08:57:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I was rolling through my Site Meter statistics this morning before heading in to work and I noticed that someone got to my blog via the "50 Best Blogs for Male Nurses" post at www.lpn-to-rn.net Now, I don't take issue with being linked from them- we all know I'm whore for links. I'm flattered that they have me as #3 on the list, what I do take issue with is the tag line they've assigned me - "Medic Matthew talks about working with nurses, doctors and other people who don’t give him enough credit." I. Call. Bullshit. Now I'm not about to go back through my entire archive, but I'm quite certain that this is not a "Woe is me, Nurses/Doctors/PA's/NP's/RRT's/Rad Techs/Phlebotomists hate me" blog. I have never taken that attitude and anyone who knows me knows that (to quote my friend Ryan)- bitches love me because they know I can rock. I am well respected among my peers and among the hospital staff that I interact with on a daily basis.

So, can anyone explain to me wtf that tag line is all about?

While we're on the subject

2010-05-26T22:27:00.000-04:00

I mentioned it in that last post and so I have to come clean here. I, MedicMatthew, am a Vicious Circle fanboy. I listen to it during my commute to work, it makes me laugh. I often agree with what a lot of the participants have to say. I've met JayG. I have also met Weer'd Beard and find myself wanting to comment about some of the things he says about Maine. I think it would be a fucking riot to just sit back at a bar and listen to Stingray go off on a rant. I'm quite certain that I would have a complete fanboy meltdown if I some day met Breda. Oh and Alan & Jim and LabRat would be pretty awesome to have a beer with too!

So there it is. It feels so good to be out of the closet.

Monkeyspheres

2010-05-26T22:13:00.001-04:00

Earlier this evening I was lamenting the fact that my muse has apparently up and left me. I realize that I don’t post regularly and it has been quite some time since I sat down and made a list of topics to blog about. Hell it was while I was living in Pennsylvania so it was probably about two years ago that I sat down and made my first ABC’s of Blogging list- a blog topic for each letter of the alphabet. It was a good way to come up with a list of things to blog about and it worked for a while. I should do it again, but I digress. I was bitching to my friend Sean via AIM about how I had nothing to blog about and his suggestion was “write about me….and how I’ve changed ur life” and I got to thinking about my friends.

I am a devoted listener of the Vicious Circle Podcast . On last week’s episode the topic of the Monkeysphere came up- the gist of it being that humans are capable of maintaining about 150 relationships, beyond that things start to get a bit squiffy and we stop caring

The Monkeysphere is the group of people who each of us, using our monkeyish brains, are able to conceptualize as people. If the monkey scientists are monkey right, it's physically impossible for this to be a number much larger than 150.

……

Oh, not much. It's just the one single reason society doesn't work.

It's like this: which would upset you more, your best friend dying, or a dozen kids across town getting killed because their bus collided with a truck hauling killer bees? Which would hit you harder, your Mom dying, or seeing on the news that 15,000 people died in an earthquake in Iran?

They're all humans and they are all equally dead. But the closer to our Monkeysphere they are, the more it means to us. Just as your death won't mean anything to the Chinese or, for that matter, hardly anyone else more than 100 feet or so from where you're sitting right now.

The moral of the story is that after about 150 people or so we kinda stop caring. Person #151 is outside of our monkey sphere and we just don’t have room in our brains to maintain that relationship and so we either vote someone else off the island to make room for a new one or we just give person #151 a bored ‘meh’ and move on.

I have many “friends” on Facebook, but a good number of them are outside of my Monkeysphere. Sean, luckily for him, happens to fall within my Monkeysphere. It didn’t take too terribly long to earn a spot there and I don’t know whom I may have cast out to make room for him, but he is there nonetheless. I can count on my ten fingers the number of true friends that I have. I’m talking help-you-bury-a-body-and-burn-the-evidence friends and he is definitely one of them. I think a lot of times we take those friends for granted and assume that they know how we feel about them so perhaps I should make a more concerted effort to let my friends know how I feel about them. Perhaps I should tell them how much I value them and how I really do cherish their friendship. On second thought, given the way my friends and I talk to each other and rib one another they’d probably think something was wrong.

I'm still here.

2010-05-23T22:34:00.001-04:00

Wow, it has been two months since I last posted. Not a whole lot to report here so I thought I'd share a link to a local story.

People ask me why I carry a concealed handgun. This is why

Someone asked my opinion....

2010-03-22T22:27:00.000-04:00

I will not deny that healthcare costs are out of control and access to health *insurance* is difficult to come by, however...

1.) The provision of healthcare is not a human right. Life, Liberty, Pursuit of Happiness- nothing in there about quality of life.
2.) We already live in too large of a welfare state. The Founding Fathers did not intend for those with to pay the way for those without. Can't afford healthcare? Not my problem.
3.) This "plan" could, in all likelihood, lead to the complete financial collapse of this nation. But then again, Obama spent more money in the first eight months in office than Bush did in eight years- including what has been spent in Iraq and Afghanistan, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't give a damn about the financial security of, well, anyone.
4.) There has been zero transparency in the creation of this program, despite campaign promises of increased transparency in government.
5.) It is simply out & out unconstitutional in the way that it is structured- a provision that prevents the law from being repealed!

Spend time in a healthcare institution and witness the blatant abuse from the entitlement mentality sputtering "I can't afford no co-pays!" These are people bitching about three dollar Medicaid co-payments that they "can't afford" while they're yapping on their cell phone or fishing through their pockets looking for a pack of cigarettes.

And that's not to mention the ER abuse. People using ER's in place of primary care. Calling 911 for an ambulance for pain that they've had for seven years (no lie!) and saying "oh, well I didn't have nothin' to do tonight so I figured I'd get it checked" at two in the morning. Or how about the four people who walked into the ER one night a few years back demanding STD screenings because they all hooked up with the one woman among them and now it burns to take a piss. My personal favorite is when a woman comes in for a two dollar pregnancy test because Medicaid won't pay for prenatal care until there's a confirmation of pregnancy by a physician but they won't cover the cost of an office visit for a pregnancy test. Thanks to current law they cannot be denied at the very least a medical screening, but no physician out there will deny them what they want out of fear of litigation and pressure from administration. These people are a drain on the system and it will only get worse when more and more people are allowed to participate in the system. Witness all of this then sit in my ambulance some day and try to not let your head explode when someone from the Department of Not Fucking Getting It says to you "Just take me to the fuckin' hospital. I pay your salary!" when in the next breath they sputter "I can afford it, I got the 'Caid, you're payin' for it."

A real, workable solution would involve welfare reform and reform of healthcare costs to make healthcare more affordable instead of providing yet another handout to people who contribute nothing to society yet demand that the government provide them with everything.

I have worked in multiple municipalities in multiple counties in multiple states. The *majority* of patients served by the areas I have worked in are on Medicaid. The minority of the people cannot support the majority for very long before complete collapse. ~~We the working class~~ We The People, are being forced to support the majority while Congress members have exempted themselves from this healthcare bill and will collect their pensions for life without having to pay in to Social Security. Unfortunately the damage has already been done, so someone please pass the lube, because we're all about to get fucked with something hard and sand-papery.

Why Do We Do This Job?

2010-03-14T05:04:00.000-04:00

I was going to leave a comment on a post put up by Ambulance Driver, but it is long enough to be its own post.
----------

It was a beautiful spring day, probably right about this time of year. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky, perfect for some parasailing on a Sunday morning. The view must have really been impressive, and I'm sure he could see for miles and miles.

While he was in the air he started to feel ill, so he brought the parasail down in a field where his adult son was waiting for him. They began to package the gear when it happened. He clutched his chest and his heart likely stopped beating before he even hit the ground. His son called 911 from his cell phone and immediately started performing CPR. An ambulance was dispatched along with the local first responders. There happened to be a sheriffs deputy near by who just also happened to have an AED in his cruiser. How that Crown Vic with its low ground clearance made it down that muddy, rutted road to the field we'll never know, but the deputy made it there and applied the AED and delivered two shocks. After just a couple of minutes the local first responders arrived on scene and took over CPR, they suctioned his airway and placed an oropharyngeal airway and provided oxygen via BVM, minutes after the first responders arrived two ambulances made their way down that rutted muddy road.

The first responders in this town can be hit or miss, it all depends on who is in town and available, on this day there were plenty of them, but not knowing that, both ambulances responded. As we made our way down that muddy road I took the radio "Gini, you're on airway. Brett, get history from the bystanders, Abbie will get a line. The EMT student can do compressions. I'll take the monitor & drugs."

The first responder who was bagging the patient was one of our full timers, he quickly made room for Gini, the ink not yet dry on her EMT-Intermediate license, to get in position for her first field tube. As the eager EMT-B student got into position to start compressions I told him "push hard, push fast, only stop when I tell you to." The deputy's AED wasn't compatible with our monitor and so I peeled his pads off and placed ours on the patients chest- asystole. Fuck.

The student continued the picture perfect compressions that the son had started. Gini placed an 8.0 ET tube into the patient's trachea and we confirmed its placement via condensation, colorimetric CO2 detector, good, clear bilateral lung sounds and waveform capnography. Abbie had an 18 at the left A/C and so I tossed her the epi & atropine. Brett gave us a report on the history and I had the EMT pause compressions. V-tach. "He's already had two AED shocks, I'm charging to 360. Stop compressions, everyone clear!" Sinus tach at 120. "Son of a bitch, he's got a pulse! lets get into the truck and check a BP." One of the first responders came over to use with a longboard & straps & C-collar & blocks. We got him onto the board and secured to the stretcher and into the truck.

The patient's son followed me to the curb door of the rig and I told him that he was welcome to ride up front. "I'm not leaving my father! I've been with him through everything this morning, I'm not leaving him!" I learned long ago to pick your battles carefully. He had a point, he was the one who started CPR, he was already committed, who was I to deny him that.

I sat on the bench, the son to my left, the student across from me, ready to start CPR again if necessary, Abbie at the head to maintain airway. On the way in to the hospital I got on the radio "Podunk General, this is Medic 8, we're about five minutes out with a male patient, 50's, status post asystole arrest. After one round of ACLS drugs he's in a sinus rhythm now at 80, I've got a lido drip running, 12 lead shows an anterolateral infarct, he's got a pressure of 130/70, I'll see you in five, might want to start LifeFlight now."

Every link in the chain of survival was there that day. His son provided early CPR. The deputy provided early defibrillation. The first responders were able to provide good BLS airway control. My crew and I provided early ACLS and rapid transport. The ED staff was on top of their game that day as well. Just over an hour passed from the time he went into arrest until he was back up in the air, this time in an Agusta helicopter on his way to a cath lab. Several days later he walked out of the hospital under his own power. His only deficit- he doesn't remember landing the parasail.

And that is why I do my job. Because I was a part of the team that saved his life.

I don't know his name, but he was my brother.

2010-03-08T00:55:00.000-05:00

I don't know why he got into EMS. I don't know how long he has been in EMS, I don't know what his life's experience was. But the simple fact is he was an EMS provider, he chose a life of dedication to others and one patient, in an instant, took that away from him. His name has not yet been released but we do know that he was 37 years old, married and had two children who expected their daddy to come home in the morning after his shift.

Resquiat in pacem, brother.

Slacker

2010-03-03T23:11:00.000-05:00

Second Annual AD NE Bloggershoot AAR to follow later.
I left the Harvard Sportsmen's Club to go directly to a friend's birthday party. Shooty Goodness + darn good company + 150+ mile drive + revelry with drunken fools (only one drink for me) + another 30 miles to home = direct to bed, then off to work this morning and now getting ready for bed again. Just like last year's event I had a darn good time.

I also need to revamp my blogroll, the format I'm using currently takes up too much space, I need to shorten it and add a new list of Bloggers I've met. But that will be done in the not so distant future.

g'night all

"Gun Control" Ur doin' it rite, Maine

2010-02-20T11:04:00.000-05:00

I am blessed in that I live in a free state. Concealed and open carry are allowed, though I'm pretty sure despite our decent gun laws the average liberal Mainer would lose their shit upon seeing me walk down the street without concealing. I'm quite sure that no matter where you go you will encounter some degree of "ZOMFG!1!! He haz a gun!!1!!!!1eleventy!!!" whilst openly carrying. The Brady folks (spit) have released their annual state survey of gun laws and Maine received a respectable 11 out of 100. In New England only New Hampshire & Vermont received "lower" scores in the eyes of the Brady folk- nine and eight, respectively. From the local news...

PORTLAND, Maine (AP) -- Gun control laws in northern New England are being given low marks in the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence's annual survey of state gun laws.
The survey gave Maine a score of 11 out of 100 for its laws, while New Hampshire was given a 9 and Vermont was given an 8. The Brady Campaign says laws in Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont allow the sale of guns without background checks, put children at risk and help feed the illegal gun market.
Utah was at the bottom of the survey with a score of zero, while California was given the highest score, a 79.
The Brady Campaign is a Washington-based group that advocates for stronger gun control laws.

(Copyright 2010 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

I just don't get Sarah Brady. Okay, fine your husband was shot in the head when someone was trying to take out ol' Ronnie Reagan, how about we get pissed off about the degree of crayzee shown by the shooter and not the fact that he had a heater. For fucks sake, look at the fucking numbers you ignorant bint. Number of gun owners does not equal number of violent crimes, in fact the two numbers are not even related. There are violent douchebags everywhere who will resort to violence with our without a gun.

Fuck I need a drink.

Meme bandwagon

2010-02-07T19:43:00.001-05:00

Since all the cool kids are doing it I figured I'd jump on the latest meme bandwagon. Here you see what leaves with house with me each and every time I go out. As with AD the exception being when I go to work administrators frown on carrying when I'm in the office at the hospital and when I'm working on the ambulance.

Wallet- complete with serial killer license photo
T-Mobile G1 w/Google- the original Android phone and it's still way cooler than you iPhone
Keys to Xterra v2.0, the office & a cuff key- never know when you might need one
Machined metal pen with which you could totally shank a bitch
Burt's Bees lip balm
iPod, yes those earbuds are pink, you got a problem with that??
Bersa Thunder 9 Ultra Compact- 13+1 rounds of 9mm goodness with combo IWB/OWB holster
Extra 13 round mag for aforementioned Bersa

So, what's in your pocket?

Stingray makes me giggle

2010-01-14T00:38:00.000-05:00

Being the avid fan of Vicious Circle that I am, whenever I read a rant by either of the Atomic Nerds I can't help but hear their voice inside my head. Today's giggle fit comes to us thanks to a rant by StingRay.

With that one little ad, OnStar has absolutely positively made certain that I will never own or operate their monkey-felching syphillitic aids-weasel of a product. There is no fucking way in dildoslurping shitfuck that I want anybody other than the driver with that kind of control over my car. I’m glad the bad guy got caught, but the potential for some chicken fucking corpse diddler to abuse this system is so profoundly out of proportion to its possible beneficial applications that I am frankly appalled that when the idea was floated, the sister-fucking ass munching paragon of privacy violation wasn’t kicked in the junk with such force as to render whatever pus-crusted excuse for genitalia the miserable little month-old pile of clown-shit possessed into a fine mist.

I must admit, I LOL'd, literally.

"monkey-felching syphillity aids-weasel of a product"

"no way in dildo-slurping shitfuck"

"chicken fucking corpse diddler"

"sister-fucking ass munching paragon of privacy violation"

Yes, I really am just a 12 year old boy who laughs at name calling.

2012 Rant

2010-01-10T17:40:00.003-05:00

These sanctimonious ass clowns that actually think the world is going to end in 2012 fail to understand that while yes, the Mayan calendar does indeed "run out" in 2012, *another* Mayan calendar begins the next fucking day.

TEOTWAWKI is not going to come as a result of some ancient fucking calendar that most people don't fucking understand. It is going to come as a result of motherfucking zombies. ZOMBIES God damn it! How many fucking times do I have to fucking explain this to people?!?.
Fuck I need another drink.
/rant

A (late) Festivus Miracle!

2009-12-31T23:32:00.000-05:00

Sweet mother of all that is good and pure the world must be coming to an end. I've finally found a physician who says things like this (emphasis added by yours truly).

Courtesy of Dr. Grumpy:

In all honesty, most other docs wouldn't care, and say they can't help him. Or would tell him to put the pills on a credit card. Or say it's the pharmacy's issue and to call them. Or to go to an ER (I have no idea why he should go to ER for this, but it's amazing how many docs send patients there for stupid shit like this).

My personal favorite is the patient who honestly believes that their physician is going to meet them in the ER. At least once a week I have to tell a patient that they will be seeing the ED physician and not their primary care doctor. If I had a nickel for every time a patient said "well my doctor told me to go to the ED so I just called 911" then I'd be...well I'd still be a broke paramedic, but I'd have enough change for a cup of coffee.

Effin Spam

2009-12-19T20:50:00.001-05:00

Apparently the spam-bots have found my blog. (Yay for more site hits?)
So now a login is required to comment. No big whoop.

Ho, Ho, Ho, y'all.

p.s. word verification has been added too

Original Content. Eh, not today folks

2009-12-17T13:13:00.003-05:00

From the 'Too Lazy to Write Original Content' muse I present you with some linky love. JayG has a post up today about the responsibility that comes with concealed carry. He sums it up quite well when he says.

Having a permit to carry a firearm doesn't make you a tough guy. It's not a license to shoot off your mouth, nor is it permission to let your guard down and be careless because, hey, you have a gun. It's a deadly serious proposition that means you have to man up, put on the big boy pants, and let the loudmouth think he won the battle of wits. You have to be prepared to humble yourself to the jackass that wants to be the center of attention. You have to be ready to walk away, and to hell with what anyone thinks.

Because you carry, you absolutely must know that your defensive weapon is a tool of last resort. The gun doesn't make you a bad ass, the gun makes you accountable for your actions*

*Or at least it should, if you're too stupid to not already be accountable for your actions then you have no business carrying in the first place.

On Google.

2009-12-10T09:46:00.005-05:00

In retrospect I guess it all started with Blogger. I blame Ambulance Driver for it all as I was somehow led to his blog one day. It started innocently enough- just one blog, I figured I could stop any time I wanted to. I certainly didn't *need* it, it was just something to pass the time. But like with any addiction one hit led to every now and then, every now and then led me to other blogs and before I knew it I had a whole folder of bookmarks in Firefox dedicated solely to blogs. Then the webcomics came.

I dabbled with Google Docs briefly, collaborating on a project that never came to fruition, but then realized that Google Docs could serve as an online repository for the assorted certificates I hold and also as a resource for students to find my lecture slides.

I eventually figured that a folder of bookmarks wasn't enough and so when I upgraded MS Office I found that Outlook 2007 could handle RSS feeds. That worked for a while but eventually it started to get a bit wonky and so I started getting my fix via Google Reader. I was in heaven. Google Reader had all of my blog subscriptions right there, in one place and I could even go back and look at older posts and search older posts. It was like blog porn to me- it kept me happy and it kept me high.

It really, truly started getting serious last winter. I was on a road trip, I was sick and tired of my Motorola RAZR2 cell phone and so I stopped in to the T-Mobile store. I swear the sales woman could see me coming from a mile away. I casually looked at the T-Mobile G1 with Google and she knew I wanted it. She really didn't have to sell it at all. I wanted it and she made it possible for me to buy it without paying the full retail price. Android made me happy. I liked its format and I still do today. I found that I could sync my calendar in MS Outlook to Google Calendar which automatically got pushed to my G1 and I could do it all in reverse, scheduling and canceling appointments and meetings and work shifts on the go from anywhere. I was drunk with productivity.

I was good for a while. I could do whatever I needed to do while on the go. I really didn't foresee needing or wanting any more services. That is, until I was introduced to Google Voice. I didn't really see myself changing my life over to a new phone number. I had been with the same cell phone number for six years and I didn't want to change and so, like Blogger, it was a novelty at first, something to toy around with. Then I learned that instead of using T-Mobile's voicemail system I could set up my phone so that it used Google Voice's system and I could record customizable voicemail greetings that would automatically change depending on who was calling. I could use Google Voice to connect phone calls between two locations- I could sit at work with no cell service and have Google Voice dial the base number then connect me to my sister in Kansas without a long distance charge showing up at work. Google Voice coupled with the functionality of Google Calendar and Google Docs with the entertainment and informative value of Google Reader, why, it was like my birthday plus Christmas plus a blowjob rolled all into one.

I draw the line at Google Health. I refuse to let my personal medical information sit on a Google server somewhere. But still, Google is taking over my life and it is all your fault Kelly Grayson. All. Your. Fault.

OUCH!

2009-11-09T22:15:00.003-05:00

Okay, I'm pretty sure that before I whip out a syringe and fill it with milk and stick a needle into my scrotum I'd fucking turn to Google and find out exactly what "milking the prostate" means.

WTF is wrong with people

Saddened

2009-11-04T00:31:00.000-05:00

Fine. We lost, you won. You used a campaign of flat out lies to take away my rights and affirm that I am a second class citizen. All I can ask now is that you at least have the decency to not kick us while we're down. But know that this is not over. I have dreams and I will see them become reality. Do not comment unless you have something nice to say. If you can't leave a kind word then please, fuck off, because right now I dislike you and you are not my friend.

Dad's Hot Rod

2009-10-30T13:02:00.008-04:00

JayG's Friday Fun Thread theme this week is Beautiful Buicks, so naturally I've got to chime in here and post a few pics. What you see here is my dad's hot rod, a 1948 Buick Special. Oddly, I don't have any photos of the complete car.

Note the International House of MedicMatthew under construction/renovation.

And here she is, taped up with the wheel removed getting the final flame job.

When I moved home from Pittsburgh (the first time) my dad had just gotten her on the road. He had to run to the store to pick up a loaf of bread for my mom and when we left the store he drove out of town and pulled over and said "You drive it home." That was six years ago, that was also the last time I drove it. Incidentally that was the same day that pic #2 was taken. Everyone in the family jokes about taking the Buick out and my father would never say no, but there's no one in the family who is willing to take it out because we know that A.) If by some chance something happened to it we would never live it down and B.) We all know that he'd break out into a cold sweat and not breathe until it came back home

My dad has always had a project car and it has always been a GM product. He'd break it down and rebuild it back up, spending a lot of his free time in the garage. My dad has worked in a paper mill all of my life and when he wasn't working on his own car he did a lot of mechanic work on the side for other people to supplement the family income and he'd usually have my sister or I peering over his shoulder or fetching tools for him. And if we weren't already out in the garage with him it wasn't uncommon to hear him holler up to the house "Send the boy out here!"

This past week I got to spend a couple of days in the garage with my dad repairing Xterra v1.0, I have to admit it was kind of fun spending the day out in the garage getting my hands covered in grease & oil.

p.s. Anyone interested in a 2001 Nissan Xterra XE V6 with a 156,000 miles on it?

Love it.

2009-10-29T23:48:00.001-04:00

Pomplamoose Music's cover of Beyonce's 'Single Ladies'
Pay particular attention to the lyrics at approximately the 2 minute mark.

Man With A Gun Days 5 through 27

2009-10-27T22:39:00.004-04:00

Nothing to report. This new pistol is very comfortable. A buddy of mine seems to think that since I'm in love with the Bersa that I should sell him my Glock. Not gonna happen. I'm okay with the Bersa in 9mm for defensive carry, but I want something that packs a bit more punch for when I'm out in the woods, though I would probably be better off keeping a 12ga loaded with 00 buckshot in the Xterra just in case I run into a pissed off bear or a pissed off mama moose out in the backcountry.

Not much else to report. I was the recipient of some linky love from both Ambulance Driver and Tam within a weeks time. Now my Sitemeter is wondering what the hell happened. Oh well, I'm sure it will get used to just being hit by my 1.34 loyal readers.

My Name Is Matthew.

2009-10-24T00:48:00.001-04:00

My name is Matthew. Thirty years ago I was born gay to two of the greatest parents that anyone could ask for. I was raised in a small town in Maine and have moved away twice to live in the City of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to explore what life has to offer outside of this small town.

I am many things. I am male. I am a paramedic. I am Catholic. I am six feet four inches tall. I am gay. I have brown eyes. I am the sum of my experiences in life and I can be nothing more. I believe that all people are genuinely good, and though there may be some with bad or evil tendencies, I still believe that all people are genuinely good.

I have asked many people many times how my right to marry would affect them and their life and their marriage. I have heard many arguments against same-sex marriage, yet still no one can tell me how my right to marry would affect their marriage. As I said I am Catholic. I was raised in the Catholic Church, I was involved in youth ministry, I directed a choir, I was a Eucharistic minister, I served on my parish council. I base my belief system on the teachings of Christ, not the bureaucracy of the Catholic Church. I have argued with devout Christians who call me ignorant when I say that the Bible is a living document. These are the same people who fail to realize how many times the Bible has been changed over the course of its existence. There are dozens of versions and translations of the Bible, each with its own changes chosen by the translator or reviser, often using the Bible as a means of controlling the masses or defying the current authority. This has been documented throughout history and cannot be denied.

Several people have said to me that same-sex marriage would defile the sanctity of “traditional” marriage. I have done well to hold my tongue and not ask these same people if their divorce from their first (and sometimes second or third) spouse in any way defiles their current marriage. This nation has a marriage failure rate that has been hovering around 50% for quite some time. I’m sorry, but heterosexuals have already messed up marriage.

I have a good friend who believes that marriage is to be between a man and a woman, but he also believes that when the government got into the business of licensing marriage then religious restrictions placed on marriage became invalid. This is a perfect example of how the First Amendment of the United States Constitution works. The First Amendment is often referred to as allowing freedom of religion, while this is true it is also an absolute truth that the First Amendment more importantly allows for freedom from religion, meaning that the government cannot impose a religion upon the people. There is no government sponsored or sanctioned religion in our nation and thus when it comes to codified law the use of religion against same sex marriage is invalid. Our government is a republic, not a theocracy.

When both houses of the Maine Legislature passed LD 1020 and Governor Baldacci signed it into law there are some who decried it as a travesty, who wanted a recall of every legislator who voted in favor of it, who said that the Maine people do not want such a law. These people obviously fail to understand the structure of our government. Our legislators are charged with the task of making law while remaining true to their constituency. Deny it as they may, they do not realize that our legislators did just that. Thousands of people wrote to and called their representatives and senators to voice their opinion. Thousands of people gathered in Augusta to testify before a legislative committee. What these detractors fail to realize is that the people spoke and those in support of same-sex marriage spoke louder and in greater numbers than those who spoke against same-sex marriage.

All of this having been said, people fail to understand how LD1020 is written. The law allows for same-sex marriage but also allows for affirmation of religious freedom. LD1020 removes gender-specific pronouns from Maine’s marriage law and most importantly protects religious freedom. When LD1020 is enacted then Title 19-A Section 655 of the Maine Revised Statutes Annotated will read:

This Part does not authorize any court or other state or local governmental body, entity, agency or commission to compel, prevent or interfere in any way with any religious institution's religious doctrine, policy, teaching or solemnization of marriage within that particular religious faith's tradition as guaranteed by the Maine Constitution, Article 1, Section 3 or the First Amendment of the United States Constitution. A person authorized to join persons in marriage and who fails or refuses to join persons in marriage is not subject to any fine or other penalty for such failure or refusal.

This law protects everyone’s rights. It grants me the right to get married and it protects the rights of religious organizations from having to solemnize marriages that are not in accordance with its beliefs and teachings. I ask you, do what is right on November 3rd and join me in voting no on Question 1.

Status Update 10.19.2009

2009-10-19T10:33:00.002-04:00

Nothing new to report.
1.) Still carrying everywhere but at work.
2.) Still trying to figure out what I want to be if and when I grow up.
3.) Still trying to figure out where I want to live.
4.) Still as indecisive as ever.

Untitled.

2009-10-14T11:06:00.002-04:00

He was 84 years old, a resident of Fairlawn Acres for going on ten years, eight years ago a new resident came to live at there and he fell in love, eventually they married at a small ceremony right there on the lawn of the nursing home, attended by family, staff and fellow residents. It was the event of the summer at Fairlawn Acres. For seven years now he had shared a large room on the residential care section of the home with the love of his life. About a week ago they told him that his beloved wife only had a few days to live due to an exacerbation of one of her chronic conditions. The dementia had rendered her pleasantly confused for the past six months and so after conferring with her children they decided to keep her comfortable and make her last few days on Earth happy ones. The day came when she passed on and understandably he became saddened, today he buried her and returned home to his empty room at Fairlawn Acres, he declined his supper, telling the staff that he just didn’t have much of an appetite today and so after the staff got him settled in he sat down in his favorite chair and tried his best to read from a book.

The staff called on him all evening, checking on him, making sure he was okay. Naturally he had been quite melancholy for most of the day so no one gave it much thought when he nodded off in his chair, the book in his lap until it came time for his evening medications, he didn’t want to take them and he even though he skipped his supper he didn’t want his usual evening snack and so they left him be making sure to check on him periodically. About an hour later when one of the CNAs came to check on him he was slow to answer her and waved her off saying he was tired and just wanted to sleep, she sat with him for a while and over the course of their conversation he became increasingly lethargic, she checked his blood sugar and took his vitals and then called his son and called 911. By the time we arrived he would only mumble and wave us away, his blood pressure had fallen, his pulse had slowed and a slow stream of tears fell from his eyes.

Though we all knew the diagnosis before running any test he got the standard workup for someone with increasing lethargy. As we all suspected everything came back negative yet his pulse remained slow and became slower with time and his blood pressure never recovered. Unfortunately there is no code in the ICD-9 for a broken heart. It seemed as though the nurses and CNAs and doctors had an unspoken agreement to take turns sitting with him and his son. A couple hours later while dropping off another patient we checked in on him to see how he was doing, he had stopped responding to anyone and his son sat there by his side, holding his father’s hand while the now frail man could be heard faintly whispering his dear wife’s name over and over, quieter and quieter until finally he sighed a sigh of relief and let out his last breath.

Seriously?!? YHGTBSM!

2009-10-09T09:11:00.002-04:00

h/t to JayG for fucking up my morning.

I've got nothing, go read Jay's post on it.

Obama and the fucking Nobel Peace Prize......Seriously, WTF?

Man With A Gun Days 3 & 4

2009-10-05T16:11:00.003-04:00

Not really anything to report, Day 3 consisted of dubbing around the house and going to lunch with Mom. Day 4 consisted of going in to work for a special detail so no carry there. Then I ran a few errands & whatnot whilst waiting for others to finish their special details at work. Nothing to report. (surprise!)

Man With A Gun Day 2

2009-10-02T23:59:00.000-04:00

Nothing to report, I never left the house all day.
I did manage to pay off some of my sleep debt from this week of exhaustion.

Man With A Gun

2009-10-02T14:53:00.003-04:00

I haven't been good when it comes to concealed carry. I have my permit, I have my pistol I just don't seem to be all that diligent about grabbing it when I head out of the house. And of course I know that concealed carry is one of those things where you can think "What could go wrong with going without it just this one time?" only to find that the consequences are quite severe if you are without your gun and the need for it arises. While I do hope that I never have to pull the trigger outside of the range, I hope even more that *if* by some horrible twist of fate I do find myself in need of using a gun that I will have it with me.

I recently acquired a new pistol. A Bersa Thunder 9 Pro UC- a hot little compact 9mm pistol that is far more comfortable to carry and far more concealable than my Glock 22. While I love the un-fuck-up-able-ness of the Glock, it just isn't comfortable. Since this new piece is comfortable and almost as easy to use, and since I suck at blogging, I have decided that I am going to embark on a little project and call it Man With A Gun in which for the month of October I will carry every day (where I am allowed to, company policy says I can't carry at work) and I will blog about it.

Since I have become addicted to Twitter recently I will try to collect my tweets on the subject and post them here as well. I will also try to tag them with #MWAG as a hashtag.

Day 1 Report: Worked 0700-1500, home by 1515. Shower, dressed, out the door headed to a Rufus Wainwright concert in Portland. Concealment garment of choice today: sport coat.

Thank You, Anonymous Commenter!

2009-09-26T20:24:00.005-04:00

I needed a good laugh and it was delivered to me by an anonymous commenter to an old post about Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.

Anonymous said...: ASSHOLE!!; September 26, 2009 7:32 PM

MedicMatthew said...: Anonymous,
1.) You call me an asshole for my opinion yet you don't have the decency to let us know who you are.

2.) You call me an asshole when you got to my blog via a Google search for "how to fake fibromyalgia"

Oh sweet, sweet irony, how I love thee.; September 26, 2009 8:15 PM

(Click to embiggen)

That About Sums It Up

2009-09-12T22:59:00.002-04:00

I haven't written anything in a while and yeah, I know I suck. In lieu of actual original content I'm going to redirect you to two sources. The first is Ambulance Driver who said it better than I could and the second is Mr. Fixit who said it better than AD said he could.

Go, read. I am not a hero, I'm just some schlub doing my job and no I'm not just being modest, I'm telling you how it is.

Read up, yo.

2009-08-14T22:44:00.004-04:00

Ok kids, here's the dealio.

My girl Epi_Junky over at Pink Warm & Dry is having a super shitty week and a few people want to help her out. For those unaware, Ms. Epi Nephrine is one rockin EMT-B (that's EMT-Badass for the uninitiated) with ALS aspirations who needs to get herself through EMT-Paramagic school. Since she's having this cruddy week, which includes a roadblock to medic school and because we all loves us some Epi_Junky, a donation jar in the form of a PayPal button has been established over at I Just Call It As I See It.

Much thanks to TJ over at Surviving RT School for alerting me to this and for BTheEMT for putting this together. Now go click, consider it as paying off some karmic debt.

I admit it. I snorted

2009-08-08T05:43:00.002-04:00

So I've only recently discovered Weird Nursing Tales and so this morning after getting back from a call I was going through the archives and came across this little bit, which sounds an awful lot like something I would say.

Nurse: Dr. G, I saved a life today!
Dr. G: We save lives everyday.

Nurse: No, I mean me, personally, saved a life.

Dr. G: Which patient?

Nurse: The 18 year old who thought he was bleeding internally.

Dr. G: He has hemorrhoids.

Nurse: Yeah. I wanted to choke the life out of him, but I didn't.

Carry on.

Seriously? YHGTBSM.

2009-07-17T09:22:00.004-04:00

Wow. I can't even make this shit up. From an email update sent out by Equality Maine today.

In a recent Portland Press Herald story, we learned that the offices of Stand for Marriage Maine are being hidden from the public. A secret memo that was sent around amongst the anti-equality staff said, "For security reasons, please do not give the physical location of the office to anyone. It's imperative that no one else know the location."

What's wrong? Are they afraid that if their location is known that they might be the subject of discrimination & ridicule? Welcome to the reality of thousands of LGBT men & women everywhere.

UPDATE: link to the article can be found here

Road Rage and other issues

2009-07-11T16:33:00.003-04:00

It's all Tam's fault that I'm ranting about motorists today.

Whilst living in Pittsburgh , I discovered that drivers in Southwest Pennsylvania would do the same as they're apparently doing in Broad Ripple, barreling down the street in a snowstorm and then crawling when warmer precipitation would fall from the sky, meanwhile my Xterra and I would travel along quite nicely at a safe speed, passing them both when they slid off the road and when they would finally get out my my f*cking way in the rain.

Today I had someone shoot be a dirty look when I wouldn't bring my ambulance (with patient on board) to a screeching halt so that they could cross the street in the middle of the block, not 50 feet from a crosswalk. A few years back a memo was put out informing the employees that the public address system is not to be used to address motorists whilst responding to calls. Apparently someone took offense to the deep voice coming from my ambulance saying "PULL TO YOUR RIGHT AND STOP." Often followed by "NO, YOUR OTHER RIGHT!" Fortunately they never heard the full conversation that was going on when the mic wasn't keyed up because I'm quite sure that I would have been written up if a motorist would have heard

Me: "PULL TO THE RIGHT AND STOP YOU IGNORANT MOUTH BREATHING COCKSUCKING SHIT FOR BRAINS DOUCHEBAG, I HOPE YOU DIE MOTHERFUCKER! DIE!"

Partner: "Matt! MATT!! Go to your happy place!"

Me: "But....but they're so stupid...."

Inspiration

2009-06-28T00:39:00.002-04:00

I had an epiphany last night, i'm not going to go into details, but my inner hippie is starting to come out again.

Don't worry, my inner hippie is still all about concealed carry.

Teamwork

2009-06-27T14:07:00.001-04:00

h/t to Breda

Untitled.

2009-06-23T00:48:00.002-04:00

No matter the length of our lives, it is always short and always precious, we aren't measured by the number of days we spend on this planet but by the impact we have on it.

h/t to DaveyWavey for pointing me toward this.
(have tissues ready)

Random thoughts from this week's shift

2009-06-14T16:13:00.003-04:00

I'm at work today, I won't say where, be it city or country, but it is enough to say that I am at work. Over the course of the week several thoughts have popped in to my head, thankfully I have a very strong filter that does not allow these thoughts to come spewing out of my mouth.

1.) It's pull to the right and stop, cocksucker! I can tolerate the occasional failure to yield- perhaps the stereo is turned up and you can't hear the siren and the air horn, but when you're fucking window is down and you turn and give a "like, what? OMG I'm like, so clueless, like, I mean, OMG, you mean I can't, like, just pull over and continue to travel at the same speed that you are? for realz?" look then I shall do my best to bore holes through your head with my eyeballs from the passenger seat you mouthbreathing twatsicle.

2.) Attention graduate nurse, yes, I can do that, it is well within my scope of practice, no I don't need to call and talk to the doctor before starting an IV and administering midazolam to a patient in status epilepticus. Please, don't look at me like you're amazed that I, a lowly paramedic, know what status epilepticus is. Furthermore, stop getting pissed off that I, based solely on my assessment and interpretation of the 12 lead ECG, can have the cath-team called in at 2am before the ER doc even sees the patient. And no, I didn't transmit the 12 lead, we don't transmit them, if you want to see the results of our 12 lead study then go check the article in the lounge, it explains how incredibly awesome we are. There is a reason you are still on orientation, twit.

3.) If I could count the number of times I want to ask "seriously?!? WTF?" I would be out of a job because I wouldn't have time to do anything else.

4.) Where is the disconnect that makes you think it is okay for you to call 911 request an ambulance to transport your mother's poo sample to the hospital lab.

5.) Did you not read the bottle of PeptoBismol where it says that you may have black stools after taking a few doses? Also, why the fuck did you think that your mother would benefit from drinking the whole bottle all at once. That is 12 fluid ounces of pink nasty shit- did you make her drink it straight from the bottle all at once or did you give her a shot glass?

6.) Dear Police Officer, when I roll up to the accident scene that you requested we respond to and you utter the words "He just needs checked out" and I walk up to a dude who says "I'm not hurt, I don't need you" you make me want to rip your head off and shit down your throat.

6.2) Dear Police Officer, learn to use fucking auxillary verbs! The gramattically correct thing to say is "He just needs *to be* checked out." Please note that even if you do utilize these auxillary verbs I will still want to rip off your head and shit down your throat for calling me out for this bullshit. (I know this is just some Yankee pet peeve of mine, but seriously folks, it irritates the begeezus outta me).

7.) To the owner of the [name redacted] ice cream joint in town- I love you for giving a 50% discount to public safety folk, but I'm still blaming you for the fact that I'm going to get fat(ter).

Deliciousness

2009-06-12T00:26:00.002-04:00

So, I came home the other day and found some rhubarb in the fridge. Apparently our neighbor, an elderly lady who lives by herself has got a shit ton of this stuff growing in her yard and she brought some over, or someone went and pilfered some, I dunno. Anyhow I recall seeing a recipe posted by Cranky Prof and figured I'd give 'er a shot. It came out pretty damned good, though there was quite a bit of fluid in the bottom of the pan, I may try doubling the batch for the crumbly goodness and installing a bottom layer.

This recipe is definitely fat kid approved!

< Rant >

2009-06-09T21:23:00.004-04:00

Let me make it abundantly clear that I don't give a flying fuck what your title is, if you ever decide to second guess my clinical decision making you will do so in a respectful manner. Furthermore you had damn well better know the protocols before you open your fucking mouth and prove yourself an idiot.

< /rant >

Lets Change That Headline....

2009-05-28T20:05:00.002-04:00

It should read - Mt. Lebanon Police Announce Their Intent to Trespass Into your Vehicle.

If You Don't Lock Your Car, Mt. Lebo Police Will Do It For You

Posted: 4:34 pm EDT May 28, 2009Updated: 5:47 pm EDT May 28, 2009
MT. LEBANON, Pa. -- Mt. Lebanon police are using some unusual methods in the hopes of stopping a string of break-ins.

Those who leave their vehicles unlocked will find a card squeezed between the steering wheel and the speedometer, reminding the drivers to lock their cars.

“Very good idea. You don't need to encourage any of the crooks today. They find they're own way of doing it,” said Mt. Lebanon resident Mike McElligott.

When Mt. Lebanon police find vehicles open, they also put cell phones and other personal items in the consoles, so they're not visible, and lock the cars up.

“The best thing we can do for the citizens is remind them please lock the car doors and remove valuables,” said Ken Truver, police chief.

Police warn even if drivers lock their cars, cell phones, keys and money should not be left out and visible. Drivers are also encouraged not to leave expensive GPS units on the dashboard.

Channel 11 took a look around Mt. Lebanon to see if they found expensive items visible in cars unattended. It didn’t take long to find a vehicle with a pricey GPS unit mounted on the dashboard

.

Ok, I understand that they want to decrease the rate of motor vehicle burglary, but if I were to choose to leave my vehicle unlocked with my GPS on the dash shouldn't I be allowed to do so. I know they're not penalizing anyone for leaving their vehicle unlocked, but still, is it even legal?

Not a real post

2009-05-28T11:15:00.003-04:00

So, I'm going to be super lame and just put up this post so I can see if I've fixed my MS Outlook problem.
Outlook was freezing whenever I tried to open RSS feeds from Blogger.com

UPDATE: MS Outlook is being kind of a dick. still.

She has such a way with words.

2009-05-22T20:17:00.002-04:00

Its a good thing she isn't a paramedic. From Cranky Lit Prof

Little wonder. They guy smelled rank — imagine a plastic Ziploc bag full of assholes, slathered in mayonnaise and left to broil in the tropical sun for three days . I don’t know if it was an illness, something he ate or just funky body chemistry, but my GOD. When he threw back his head and laughed, it got worse. His breath was the scent of a zombie shitting a three-day-old dead carp in to an open sewer pit.

Marko on vaccinations...

2009-05-11T09:03:00.002-04:00

From Marko the Munchkin Wrangler's Monday Search Term Safari

Vaccinations are great. They keep kids from getting diseases that can cripple or kill them. People forget that fifty years ago, kids ended up in wheelchairs because of polio, because we eradicated polio with vaccines. Kids can go deaf or die crummy deaths from measles. Don’t listen to that daft bint Jenny McCarthy–she doesn’t know shit about shit. She’s famous for her bad acting, and for being a Playmate of the Year, not for a degree in medicine or epidemiology. I’d no more consult her on the subject of vaccinations than ask my neighborhood rabbi for good pork recipes.

I admit, I snorted when I read this.

Right on the money

2009-05-08T09:26:00.001-04:00

Trauma Queen, Kal, hits it right on the nose.

I hate you because you refuse to consider that maybe, just maybe, you could try taking some responsibility for yourself, stepping outside the bare minimum that has to be done to get along.

I hate you because you’d sooner see your kid stay at home, crying, scrubbing chubby fists at her swollen eyes than step up to the plate when she needs you.

I hate you because when I ask a final time if you’re coming with us, you smugly refuse, preferring to score sordid, childish points than have your kid see the doctor.

Today, Maine has done what is right.

2009-05-06T17:57:00.003-04:00

After being approved in the Senate, and yesterday in the House, Maine's LD 1020 today returned to the senate and was sent on to Governor Baldacci who signed LD 1020- An Act To End Discrimination in Civil Marriage and Affirm Religious Freedom into law. Though it has been approved and signed in to law by the legislature and the government the fight is far from over. Maine law allows for a people's veto and the opposition has already announced that they will begin to solicit signatures to petition for the matter to go to popular vote in November. They have 90 days to collect approximately 60,000 signatures.

Today I want to share with you a few excerpts from the hearings & testimony held on 4/22/09. This was originally to be held at a high school auditorium, however it was determined that there simply would not be enough room to accomodate all of the people who planend to attend, and as such the venue was changed to the Augusta Civic Center. The crowd is mostly made up of supporters of LD1020 all wearing red. Equality was well represented by a 4 to 1 margin at this hearing.

Today, when I heard the news that Governor Baldacci signed LD1020 into law I wept. I sat in the kitchen at work attempting to write a run sheet and I wept tears of joy, I have spent the day listening to some of the testimony that was made on the 22nd of last month and I throughout the afternoon I have been moved to tears more than once. If you watch only one clip posted here, please, watch the first one.

-Matthew

Condi Rice schools a hippie

2009-05-04T03:29:00.003-04:00

Massad Ayoob sums it up best here.

Recently, a clueless lad took advantage of a question-answer session when Ms. Rice was speaking at a college campus, and tried to trickbag her with a question about government-sanctioned torture. Watching the video on YouTube, I was struck with the kid’s pompousness…and couldn’t keep from smiling as she dissected him, handing him his butt on a verbal platter.

Beware the Homosexual

2009-05-03T19:26:00.000-04:00

Edit, Update & Repost

2009-05-02T08:41:00.000-04:00

Maine's Senate voted 21 to 14 this week in support of LD 1020 a law to allow for marriage equality in Maine by allowing same-sex couples to marry. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about this very subject and I want to re-post it here again with a couple of minor edits.

For my Maine readers, all 1.34 of you, I wanted to share this link – http://eqfed.org/campaign/house_final/

Clicking on that link will bring you to a page that will allow you to write to your state representative in support of LD 1020 Maine’s same-sex marriage bill. There is a preformatted letter or you can edit it as you wish, but by filling in your address it will automatically route the email to the representative for your district. I am hopeful, but not optimistic that this legislation will pass, though with the recent legislation in Iowa and Vermont, and the pending legislation in New Hampshire it is entirely possible.

This isn't about special rights, it is about equality. Do not be fooled by the Maine Marriage Initiative and the Catholic Diocese of Maine; Maine's domestic partnership laws do not even come close to granting the 1,138 benefits, rights and protections of marriage. And with a heterosexual divorce rate hovering around 50% don't even try to tell me that my right to get married would somehow defile the sanctity of “traditional” marriage. Are people really just concerned that so many loving, same-sex couples in life-long committed relationships would defile the sanctity of heterosexual divorce? Also don't give me the "a child needs a mother *and* a father" speech either; if people really feel that way then do they advocate taking children away from single parents- gay parents produce far fewer gay children than heterosexual parents do. Furthermore if an argument consists of telling me that the purpose of marriage is to procreate then surely one must object to the marriage of infertile couples or couples who choose to not have children, because that, too would be an abomination unto God.

And if one is going to use the "it's in the Bible!" excuse, then they had better come up with one darn good argument for their case. The very book that most Christian fundamentalists use to argue against same sex marriage also states that one has sinned if they have touched the flesh of a cloven hooved animal, or if one has worn a cloth woven of two threads, or been even in the company of a menstruating woman. If, and this is a very big "if", they have sworn off ham & bacon, and have committed to never again wearing a poly/cotton blend shirt or be in the company of any woman during her period, then and only then may they use Leviticus in their argument. So if the Bible very clearly speaks against divorce, of which now only heterosexual couples are eligible, and if one argues that same-sex couples should not be married because it is against God's law, why do opponents purport that only gay people should be bound by Biblical law? If one is going to hide behind the Bible to defend his or her bigoted views then one should have the common decency to be integritous enough to live by its every word and not just the chapters and verses that can be handpicked to suit a cause.

“The eight Biblical references (and not a single one by Jesus) to alleged homosexuality are very small indeed when compared to the several hundred references (and many by Jesus) to money and the necessity for justly distributing wealth. Yet few people go on a rampage about the issue of a just economic system, using the Bible as a base.” -Suzanne Pharr

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” -Lynn Lavner

Please, take a part in the issues that affect you and the people you care about. Let your voice be heard, participate in democracy and remember that dissent is patriotic!

Clicky here

2009-04-28T12:21:00.003-04:00

Ok folks, I urge everyone to follow this link, because as the media and the .gov put it ZOMG!!one!!!!!!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA GET DA PIGGY FLU!!

So please, go here and determine if you have the swine flu - http://www.doihavepigflu.com

And after you determine that you do not, in fact, have the f*cking swine flu I implore you to please shut the f*ck up about it already and stop contributing to the government and media hype.

xoxo,
-MedicMatthew

Questions

2009-04-26T10:39:00.001-04:00

I don't mean to go all existential here, but I'm having a bit of a crisis. I mean, I know I've got a pretty sweet job, but I have to wonder if perhaps I could be doing something different, something bigger.

It is about equality. It is about what is right.

2009-04-15T22:23:00.000-04:00

It isn't about special rights, it is about equality. Do not be fooled by the Maine Marriage Initiative, Maine's domestic partnership laws do not even come close to granting the rights of marriage. And with a heterosexual divorce rate hovering around 50% don't even try to tell me that my right to get married would somehow defile the sanctity of your marriage. Are you really just concerned that so many loving, same-sex couples in life-long committed relationships would defile the sanctity of heterosexual divorce? So if the Bible very clearly speaks against divorce, of which now only heterosexual couples are eligible, and you say that same-sex couples should not be married because it is against God's law, why do you purport that only gay people should be bound by Biblical law? Also don't give me the "a child needs a mother *and* a father" speech either. If you really feel that way do you advocate taking children away from single parents? Gay parents produce far fewer gay children than heterosexual parents do.

And for crying out loud if you are going to use the "it's in the Bible!" excuse, then you had better come up with one darn good argument for your case. The very book that most Christian fundamentalists use to argue against same sex marriage also states that if you have sinned if you have touched the flesh of a cloven hooved animal, or if you have worn a cloth woven of two threads, or been even in the company of a menstruating woman. If, and this is a very big "if", you have sworn off bacon, and have committed to never again wearing a poly/cotton blend shirt or be in the company of any woman during her period, then and only then may you use Leviticus in your argument.

“The eight Biblical references (and not a single one by Jesus) to alleged homosexuality are very small indeed when compared to the several hundred references (and many by Jesus) to money and the necessity for justly distributing wealth. Yet few people go on a rampage about the issue of a just economic system, using the Bible as a base.” -Suzanne Pharr

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” -Lynn Lavner

Remember folks, dissent is patriotic; if it weren't for dissent we would still be under British rule!

Wow.

2009-04-15T21:08:00.002-04:00

Unfortunately embedding has been disabled on this video, so you'll just have to follow the link and check this out. A prime example of why one shouldn't jump to conclusions about anyone. This woman is amazingly talented yet at first was passed off as someone that the crowd and judges would have to suffer though. Go. Watch. Listen.

wooHOO

2009-04-09T11:53:00.001-04:00

Just got a call from my former coworker at the Police Dept. My Maine Concealed Weapon Permit is in!

Made. Of. Win.

2009-04-08T14:00:00.001-04:00

see more pwn and owned pictures

Heheheh

2009-04-06T06:45:00.002-04:00

Shamelessly lifted from Marko's Monday Search Term Safari

Search Term:
why brain works faster during early morning

Marko's Response
Because you’re still rested from your night of sleep, you’ve just had your coffee, and the great pile of suck that is your daily routine has not yet had a chance to wrap itself around your brain like a smelly, piss-soaked tapestry of existential agony.
Or it could have something to do with synapses and neurons and shit.

Now, re-read and in your head apply Marko's awesome accent

Hippies

2009-04-04T08:03:00.005-04:00

From The Boston Globe's Big Picture photo essay of the protests & riots outside of the G20 summit.

Original Caption - A protester sits injured after a confrontation with the police near to the Bank of England as activists demonstrated in the City of London on April 1, 2009 in London, England. (Oli Scarff/Getty Images)

Matt's Caption - A protester sits crying like a little bitch after a confrontation with the "The Man"....

Original Caption - A protester is bitten by a police dog on April 1, 2009 in London, England. (Oli Scarff/Getty Images)

Matt's Caption - Good puppy! Bite the hippie! Good boy! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

That is all.

2009-04-02T09:21:00.003-04:00

Pretty much sums things up.

Hmmm...

2009-04-01T22:21:00.002-04:00

So, if you ran a photography business, how would you direct traffic to your website and build your client base?

Anyone?

Bad News

2009-04-01T00:27:00.004-04:00

One of the two paper mills in the town that I live in is closing. They shut down a couple of paper machines late last year resulting in 150 layoffs, they're now permanently closing down the entire mill.

The economy sucks and the papermaking industry has been taking a hit for years. The mill that my father works at makes coated paper products for magazines and catalogs, for some ignorant reason the management of the mill thought it was a great idea to run above production quotas for a significant portion of last year, so the mill had product sitting in the warehouse that the customers would eventually need instead of running at quota and making paper as the customer needs it. They've temporarily cut back on hours for production while keeping the power plants running continuously so they're now only making paper when electricity is cheap so they pay less for electricty and during peak hours they're selling electricity to the grid.

Thankfully this mill has some very well establish printers that produce MAJOR publications so the liklihood of the second mill shutting down is slim, but still, this town was built around the papermills, for many people it is all they have known. I'm sure there are many people in town now wondering what they're going to do next. It is just a horrible helpless feeling

Why I Came Home

2009-03-30T18:50:00.003-04:00

I came across this video in Facebook the other day, posted by a coworker and I got to thinking about the first time I saw it. This is the video put together by another coworker for EMS Week last year. She let me preview it while I was home on vacation because I wouldn't be here during EMS Week. It was when I saw this video that I decided to move back to Maine. I know I'm obliterating any sense of anonymity by posting this video because you now know where I work, but then again, anyone in the EMS community can figure out The Borg that AD works for if they put their mind to it. This is the service where I cut my teeth both as a brand new EMT-Basic and again later as a paramedic. I know some of the photos aren't too great, but these are my people. This is my family.

Concealed Carry Options

2009-03-28T00:50:00.004-04:00

I know that asking others about holster preference is like asking what one thinks is the "best" caliber for defensive carry but I'm going to ask anyway. So, I want to know, of my 2.38 readers, those of you who carry a concealed handgun:

What do you routinely use for a concealed carry holster and why?

Specifically does anyone have any experience with the Belly Band? I'm a big guy and I carry a rather large frame semi-auto and I'm wondering if a Belly Band might work for me, particularly with the coming of warmer weather.

Your thoughts?
Anyone?....Anyone?.... Bueller?

Thoughts from the weekend

2009-03-24T18:14:00.004-04:00

A collection of some of the thoughts that ran through my head during Sunday night's dinner and Saturday's shooty goodness.

1.) Hmm, big black Dodge pickup with a Harley logo and NRA sticker in the rear window- must be Jay's truck.

2.) Wow, I pictured Jay as being taller with this deep voice and being really laid back and mellow, not bouncing off the walls sounding like Gonzo on crystal meth**.

3.) Oh, Mah, Gawd, I just shook hands with *the* AD. OMGOMGOMG he knows who I am!!!1!!one!!!

4.) Wait, are we in Massachusetts? Are those guns on the wall??

5.) Oh yeah, Marko is German, of course he has an accent.

6.) I could get a better steak back home and pay a lot less for it.

7.) OMG, I just ate dinner with someone who once LIVED WITH TAM!!!

8.) Guns, cars, movies, knives, guns, what is not to love? Wait, am I *really* gay?

9.) The next time I'm in Boston I'm either going to double down on my blood pressure meds or have someone else drive and sedate myself.

10.) F*%k! the gate is closed, time to start walking and follow the sound of gun fire.

11.) Ahh, love the smell of burnt powder in the morning.

12.) F*&k it's cold! Trigger finger will stay warm if I keep my hands in my pockets.

13.) It's been FAR too long since I've been to the range, must spend more quality time shooting.

All in all, it was a great weekend, despite the fact that I got nailed with $64 bucks in parking fees for two nights.

Can't wait for the next NE blogger gathering and I just might have to go listen to AD speak sometime should he be at a conference near me.

**That was in no way a dig, when Jay was rather excitedly telling one of the stories after dinner I could have sworn we were on the set of the Muppets.

The days ordnance

2009-03-23T14:52:00.001-04:00

Total Fanboy Geek-out in 3....2.....1.....

2009-03-22T15:04:00.002-04:00

So, tonight is the big NorthEast Blogger Dinner with a selection of bloggers from New England with special guest from the south- Ambulance Driver

I'll be the one at the Hilltop in total fanboy geek-out mode.

Can't wait!!

Our Mission

2009-03-21T02:52:00.005-04:00

Back when I was a kid in high school and for a little while following high school I was the epitome of the Good Little Catholic Boy(tm) I then went to work in public safety where I have remained in one form or another for the past twelve years. My career choice has at times made me cynical and bitter and I have been burned out before but as I get older I have come to realize more and more that bitterness and cynicism are really over rated and they do not allow us to see things clearly and they do not allow us to complete our mission. I have chosen the path of paramedic, that is how I serve my fellow man and in turn how I serve God. When I returned to Maine in September I went back to work in the same place that I was before and I went back with the hope that my time away had taught me what is truly important and I do believe that I have started to learn and continue to learn what is important and thus far I have managed to keep that bitterness and cynicism at bay. Thankfully I have found my reinforcements.

The first is in the form of another blog. I forget exactly how I managed to find his youtube channel and subsequently his blog but the blogger known as Davey Wavey over at Break The Illusion has reminded me of what is important in life and that is love. Love of one's self and love for all of humankind. Below is one if his short little videos. For some reason he doesn't like wearing shirts.

The second reinforcement is through music. A certain song from a certain album by a certain artist spoke to me and brought me out of a very dark place once and since then I have felt a strong attachment to her music. I have often felt that if Melissa Etheridge wasn't hugely famous and if she wasn't a lesbian and if I weren't gay then I would absolutely want to marry her. I have come to realize that it is because she is a lesbian that she writes the way that she does and it is because I am gay that I interpret her lyrics the way I do and it is because she is famous that I know her music, so in retrospect I am glad that she is who she is and I am glad that I am who I am so that I can feel her music the way that I do. I purchased her latest album some time ago but it wasn't until recently that I began to really listen to it and listen to the lyrics that I found myself returning to her music once again and it is with that in mind that I share the video below with you.

Be well.

Things I Hate

2009-03-14T19:28:00.001-04:00

If you call the hospital looking for permission to call 911 then for fucks sake do not lie to me and fake your lame ass symptoms. This only makes me hate you more.

Another first.

2009-03-12T03:45:00.003-04:00

Now, we've all had to ask unpleasant questions and we've had to ask to see unpleasant things in order to formulate a field impression of what is going on with a patient. When my EMT-B instructor told me that I would most likely one day ask to see the poo in someone's toilet or assess the odor of a patient's breath I scoffed. I have been a paramedic for several years and it turns out she was right- I have done both of these things.

Tonight, however, was another first for me. For tonight was the night that for the first time in my EMS career I have been presented with a sealable container of a patients vomit that they had saved from several hours ago just in case we wanted to see it and evaluate it. While I was writing down the patient's med list I picked up one bottle that initially appeared to just be of a different color to learn that no, this prescription bottle contained no pills, for it was the proud home of vomit, not even warm, fresh from the stomach vomit, no this container was cold to the touch as it had been there for several hours.

It made me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit, but I managed to suppress it. There were no empty prescription bottles for me to use.

T-Mobile G1 with Google

2009-03-09T20:29:00.001-04:00

I must say I really am surprised by this new phone. I always used to make fun of people who used a Blackberry or other smart phones but since I've had this for a little while now I really do love it. I'm spending less time in front of a computer and more time being a productive human being- I've been reading my email on the fly and replying to anything that is urgent. I've been productive *and* social!

Blogged from my G1.

New Life Changes

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Someone Like You.

I've made it!

Damn!

QOTD - Borepatch

Reflections.

Did you know....

Advice to a friend

Musings on my musings

July 4th, 2011

Go. Read.

On Government Shut Downs

Meh.

Forever in the Friend Zone

Memo.

Dear John,

It. Gets. Better.

Thoughts?

Dear Mouthbreathing Ass-clown

Hospice

Holy hell!

Mourning. Again.

Update.

I have a confession to make

Free shooty goodness? I'm in!

Mourning.

Douchebaggery

You and Me Could Write a Bad Romance

My Gay Family.

Blogroll addition.

A Call to Action!

WTF. Over.

While we're on the subject

Monkeyspheres

I'm still here.

Someone asked my opinion....

Why Do We Do This Job?

I don't know his name, but he was my brother.

Slacker

"Gun Control" Ur doin' it rite, Maine

Meme bandwagon

Stingray makes me giggle

2012 Rant

A (late) Festivus Miracle!

Effin Spam

Original Content. Eh, not today folks

On Google.

OUCH!

Saddened

Dad's Hot Rod

Love it.

Man With A Gun Days 5 through 27

My Name Is Matthew.

Status Update 10.19.2009

Untitled.

Seriously?!? YHGTBSM!

Man With A Gun Days 3 & 4

Man With A Gun Day 2

Man With A Gun

Thank You, Anonymous Commenter!

That About Sums It Up

Read up, yo.

I admit it. I snorted

Seriously? YHGTBSM.

Road Rage and other issues

Inspiration

Teamwork

Untitled.

Random thoughts from this week's shift

Deliciousness

< Rant >

Lets Change That Headline....

Not a real post

She has such a way with words.

Marko on vaccinations...

Right on the money

Today, Maine has done what is right.

Condi Rice schools a hippie

Beware the Homosexual